Yesterday I worked with someone whose incompetence was infuriating to me. Watching him, I felt anger, resentment, and frustration. Later, I e-mailed some other co-workers to try to deal with the situation, but now today I’m wondering, was I just overreacting because I’m not getting enough sleep/because I’m on the manic side of life right now?
One of the hardest things about bipolar disorder, for me, is that I’m constantly second guessing my emotions. It’s unclear if my behavior yesterday (which no one else I work with would deem strange because I handled the situation well, I think) was “the real me” or the me spiked with mania.
In bed this morning, still bothered by yesterday and also haunted by a terrible dream in which a good friend was jumping in front of a train, I woke up way before my alarm (6:30 a.m.) and couldn’t sleep a minute more. I’m not someone who wakes up before the alarm. That’s not me. But manic me? Yes, that person never sleeps until the alarm. That person is abrasive. She’s sending annoyed e-mails. She’s got a bone to pick with someone, and only after the fact does she realize that maybe, just maybe, this problem she’s having with the world is a problem with her head.