We are all born as humans, derived of sperm cells and ova but something happens to those of us that end up with mental illnesses and/or disorders. In fact, a lot of things happen. Although right now, I would like to try and talk about one thing: Insecurity.
You see, those of us that are mental and crazy in our various flavours can tend to be so very insecure. And it goes beyond something like, ‘Oh, do my shoes match my dress?’
It can be different for every one of us in terms of how we react. However, I think it can be said for all of us, it feels like we have all been born with less or missing “emotional skin.” I have said this before. We “feel” too much and not necessarily in a positive and happy way! Someone will say something, someone will look at you in a certain way…
…you are emotionally thrown into a tailspin.
Now, I am trying to keep this within the realm of insecurity but it definitely can reach further than that. However, if you’re stuck on the Insecurity Expressway, your entire world can fall apart based upon one conversation. One word? Or the lack of a single word?
I know. It sounds truly absurd, doesn’t it? Well, maybe to someone who has never experienced it but it happens. And after it throws you into an emotional tailspin, it can throw you into hospital! Oh, now that may sound absurd but no, no…not without the realm of possibility?
So, insecurity. For me, it generates so much pain. Oh, pain. How can one measure pain? There is no way. Even if you were not thrown into hospital based upon your “experience” of insecurity, your “pain” may be so immense it may mark you forever. I know my insecurities have marked me permanently. They are like “internal tattoos.” Even if I tried to have them removed, no Dermatologist nor anyone else could ever reach them.
I see “insecurity” as something we “wounded birds” experience just as the exact, extremely devastating, continual and repetitive symptoms of our illnesses. At least this is a component of my mental illness profile, if you will.
This is such a difficult post to write, as well. How does someone who can feel so insecure and get triggered so easily and when done…so often…try to shape it and frame it. Try to explain it like the notion of “pain” spoken above that can not be measured. People reading this will never know how my insecurities affect me.
True, no one can ever even attempt to grasp any other person’s feelings. They may try to sympathise, empathise but in the end…there will never be a complete understanding.
I could probably write a massive list of “triggers” for myself. No doubt. Another thing I have no doubt about is that insecurity would be right up there at the top of my list.