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In the middle of rubber bands...

Posted Jul 27 2010 3:50pm
Nutty. Just flipping nutty. And pissed and angry and all of the nutty business as usual. Mind and body are going in 50 different directions, such that I start to move toward one thing, and the pull to other things increases, so I move toward them instead and a pull to the original thing or something totally different increases so I have to move towards it... it's like being in the center of a circle dotted with stakes around the circumference, each stake having a thick rubber band around it that loops around my waist. Moving in one direction to do one task/thing only increases the tension on the opposite bands and drags me back to the center. I can't do anything without opposing pulls and my head is going mad with crazed frustration, bouncing back and forth, at the mercy of the elastic holding me in the center, unmoving except for the futile vibrations as I try to pull in one direction only to be snapped back to another and bounced around like a ball in a pin ball machine.

The tension of frustration and un-moveability to complete anything, to do anything, without the panic rising in my chest from the pull towards doing something else, it's suffocating. I am filled with unease and panic, snapping back and forth inside my head.

The unwell feelings are expressed in my emotions and affect. I'm an out of control ill tempered volatile ass. I'm miserable like this. And *this* is what has been taking more and more of my time in my head. Dammit all to hell Lamictal was supposed to fix this and it did but now... well I've already mentioned this crap before.


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