I've been away for a while, and I don't have long to relate what has happened this past week. Things haven't improved. I'm so hopeless, angry and miserable about all this. I want to die but things keep holding me back: being encouraged by my poetry professor to submit to the AAP national contest, friends telling me I shouldn't lose hope, and me holding to the belief that I'm good so long as I don't fail. I feel so on edge, and the second I slip up, I really could do something, and that frightens me. The depression has become really intrusive. I'm lethargic, so utterly lethargic on days when I have nothing vital to do. I'd rather sleep all day and intermittently binge and purge than go outdoors and do things I used to enjoy, like cycle, or jog, or read, and write.
During the school week, when all my work is finished for the day, I find myself lost in the compulsion to binge. It's moved earlier and earlier into the day now, and it is more frequent. I hate it--how wasteful it is, how destructive it is, how out of control I feel. I met with my psychiatrist on Friday and told him the state of things and he wanted me to see some doctors to get a blood panel and my body checked up. He also gave me something for my "refractory" (treatment-resistant) depression: Abilify. Maybe this will be a magic bullet? I have no clue. One would think with all this binging and purging my body would be a mess, but there was nothing physically wrong with me, except a lowered heart rate. Blood panel is still waiting results. I have to much work to finish this week; the stress is nearly overwhelming...
-Mt
I've been away for a while, and I don't have long to relate what has happened this past week. Things haven't improved. I'm so hopeless, angry and miserable about all this. I want to die but things keep holding me back: being encouraged by my poetry professor to submit to the AAP national contest, friends telling me I shouldn't lose hope, and me holding to the belief that I'm good so long as I don't fail. I feel so on edge, and the second I slip up, I really could do something, and that frightens me. The depression has become really intrusive. I'm lethargic, so utterly lethargic on days when I have nothing vital to do. I'd rather sleep all day and intermittently binge and purge than go outdoors and do things I used to enjoy, like cycle, or jog, or read, and write.
During the school week, when all my work is finished for the day, I find myself lost in the compulsion to binge. It's moved earlier and earlier into the day now, and it is more frequent. I hate it--how wasteful it is, how destructive it is, how out of control I feel. I met with my psychiatrist on Friday and told him the state of things and he wanted me to see some doctors to get a blood panel and my body checked up. He also gave me something for my "refractory" (treatment-resistant) depression: Abilify. Maybe this will be a magic bullet? I have no clue. One would think with all this binging and purging my body would be a mess, but there was nothing physically wrong with me, except a lowered heart rate. Blood panel is still waiting results. I have to much work to finish this week; the stress is nearly overwhelming...
-Mt