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I think we're getting back on the roller coaster....

Posted Apr 11 2009 1:03am



When I got home this morning, DH was lying in bed, awake. It was 5am. I asked him what was wrong, and he whispered "migraine". So I quickly turned off the light. To the best of my knowledge, DH doesn't get migraines (I do, on occasion), and so this was very unusual. I asked him how long he'd had it, and he said, "an hour and a half". I was a little concerned, but people live through migraines all the time, and so I just laid there and hoped he'd feel better soon. Then he told me that all of a sudden, his nose started to bleed. That's not something that happens with DH, either. So this kind of upped the worry level for me. Then DH launched into a spiel as to how if there was something wrong, I should just let him die. Haven't heard that conversation for a while. Of course I disagreed, for what it was worth.

I still was not and am not sure how much of what he is experiencing is "something" and how much, if any, is related to his mental illness. I know that with the back pain, I get so sick of hearing how miserable he is. I am probably a really bad wife for saying that, but I do get so sick of it. I have no doubt that the pain he feels is real to him, but to me it's just a tip-off that he's feeling depressed and possibly suicidal. If I could draw a graph, the back pain would increase exactly with his mental health symptoms. I know he's hurting, but the real pain is in his brain, not in his back. So going to the hospital, having expensive tests done, and taking a zillion drugs for the back pain probably isn't going to fix it. And I think my tolerance level for other problems that may be mental-health related has gone way down, too, unfortunately. And my skepticism level has gone way way up. So I honestly don't know how worried to be here. It's like DD waking up every single school day and saying "I don't feel good." I stop believing her at all and NEVER believe her when there is a chance that she might really be sick. You know, even though we've been going through this for so long, something new is always happening.

The migraine went away. DH was trying to figure out what had caused it, maybe his meds weren't right, whatever...then he told me that when he got up and went into the bathroom, his nighttime meds were there on the counter. But he "could've sworn" that he took them. Then he said, "Or they could've been from last night....I honestly don't remember." And that really bothered him.

So, when it was daylight out, I pulled the "old standby" ultimatum: "Either you call the doctor, or your wife will not buy you any more cigarettes, ever." So he went to the doctor. I'm not sure completely, but I get the idea that the doctor was extremely concerned. They wanted DH to check himself into the hospital right away. Of course, he refused. So he has to go back to the hospital tomorrow morning and have a CT scan. This is all pretty scary.

But it's not, too. Because this same exact thing (only different) happened a year or two ago, when DH was having chest pains, and the Drs did some tests and determined that he'd had a heart attack, and sent him to a big-name hospital to be treated, where he found out that he actually had not had a heart attack, and that the chest pains were anxiety-related. And he's been hospitalized for his back pain about a zillion times. And when his blood sugar was so high. (As soon as he started to drink Diet Coke instead of Coca Cola, it went back down into the normal range...) So I don't know if this is something to worry about, or if it's more mental health stuff. Especially with "That Guy" putting in an appearance lately, I don't know if "That Guy" is a symptom of something bigger going on, or if his meds aren't working right, or if the migraine/nosebleed is a symptom of mental health problems or what. Or is it all because he forgot to take his pills when he thought he had....and how many times has that happened....and why is he forgetting them now?

Right now I'm erring on the side of wifeness, and I'm pretty worried.

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