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I'm Not Waving, I Really Am Drowning

Posted Jan 31 2010 12:00am

One of the therapist in my IOP program means to be kind, she tells me she is the same age as me. She tells me I look ten years older now than my age. I need to do something with my hair, update my wardrobe...... do my nails....

Doesn't she know how hard it is for me to get there? Sure I may wear the same clothes for a few days in a row. I am getting there. I can barely do my hygene, I cannot eat.... It's too overwhelming to cook so I don't eat. It's too overwhelming to wear clothes, so I wear my jammies and then change into a pair of sweats and a turtleneck. No make up. I cannot moisturize or do any of that. I cannot take care of the apartment. It's too much to feed and water the cat, and clean out her box daily. The meds make me feel like my brain is made of clouds. I need help. I need someone to come and help me with the simple stuff. And no one believes me. When I share in group, .... no one believes me.

Yet my DSM IV Axis 5 diagnosis says 30. That is pretty bad. Most days I just stay in my jammies now, and write, surf the internet, and maybe have a TV dinner or a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk. I cannot do more than that. I might watch TV, refilling my plastic glass with ice and ice tea that I made in a big container- but that is all I can do. I go to bed at night listening to the radio. I finally put clean sheets on the bed after six weeks, a record for me. I really need help with the little things, the house work, the mouse work, the grocery shopping, going to the laundrymat, putting the clothing away, going to the local mom and pop pet store across the street and getting a 20 lb bag of Hills for Holly, and another bag of litter-

I am not on the pity pot. I just hope, hope hope someone from my state will see this and help me- let me have some0ne, a kind person to help me out of this rut til I get better and can help myself again. Because I am drowning here. I don't often ask for help for things. There is a saying in medical hospitals. See one, do one, teach one. I need someone to help me do one now.... so I can get better and help someone later down the road. Because I know this is my brain doing this to me, whether it's from the meds, or just my brain- I just want to get some semblance of sanity and normalcy back again, for Spring. Rebirth. Renewal. It can be done. I just need help this time.

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