Yep. I’m feeling rebellious. I don’t “feel” like having bipolar today. I wish to be bipolar-free. I said, I wish to be bipolar-free! Good fairy, didn’t you hear me? Ok, so I’m a little goofy. But you get the point. It doesn’t matter what we think, believe, want, or feel, we’re still going to have bipolar disorder. There is no “Good Fairy” who will wave her magic wand over us and make our bipolar go away. BUT…
We CAN be in control of it. Of ourselves. Of our attitudes. It’s true that I don’t feel like having bipolar today. But am I going to go out and get drunk over it? No, I’m not. Am I going to use drugs to mask my feelings? Of course not. Am I going to pig out like I feel like doing instead of eating that salad I’m planning for dinner? I hope not.
The point is, just because we get stable with bipolar disorder, it doesn’t mean that we’re going to be “happy” all the time. This is a struggle we’re in, and some days are harder than other days. Just because we run into a bad day, doesn’t mean we’re in a bipolar episode, either - it just means that we’re human, like everyone else. And everyone gets bad days here and there.
So am I going to go mad just because I’m having a bad day? Nope. What I am going to do is to continue to fight the dragon and take control of my feelings. In this case, I have to make my thoughts control my feelings, instead of the other way around (I always got in trouble when my feelings overran my thoughts). I can make good choices today. I can decide that, although I may not be having the best day, I am still grateful that it is a good day, as any day without an episode is a good day.
It helps to be grateful. Even if it’s just for the small things. Like the sun came out today, after 2 days of being snowed-in. I’m grateful for the sun today – it brightens my mood as much as it brightens the outside of my home. I’m grateful for my husband, who puts up with my bad bipolar days, and understands, because he has bipolar too. I’m grateful for that understanding, and the fact that I’m not alone, like I used to be.
And I am so very grateful for my sanity today, because I didn’t always have it. Bipolar stability was a hard war for me to win, and I don’t dare take it for granted.
I’m grateful for this blog, where I can share all my thoughts (even the crazy ones) with others who understand where I’m coming from, and are even sometimes there, too. Maybe just one small thing that I say will help someone today, and for that I am grateful, too. It helps alot when you take the emphasis off yourself and put it onto other people. It also keeps you humble.
So, ok, this isn’t the greatest day I’ve ever had. But I’m ok. I’m ok. I’m really ok. (There’s no place like home…there’s no place like home… there’s no place like home… LOL)
That’s how I have to believe. That even if I don’t “feel” ok today, if I tell myself enough times, I’ll believe it. And just hope that tomorrow will be a better day (I believe, I believe, I believe).
Well, here’s wishing you peace and stability, no matter how bad a bipolar day you’re having,