Yes, it's a double post day. I figure I have some catching up to do. Actually, I have a need to get some muck out of my system. After a few good days, today was a bad one for me.
One of my big symptoms is paranoia. I don't actually think people are watching me (so far, anyway). Without getting to deep into my scenario, I have one particular paranoia about my husband. I may have mentioned that during my delusional episode, I thought he was trying to kill me. As it began to wane, I downshifted into thinking he was trying to have me hospitalized for a very long time so he could take my kids away from me. Now, I have periods where I am enveloped with this similar notion and today was pretty bad. In this scenario, little things will begin to trigger these thoughts. When I say little, I mean so trivial I cannot even remember them when the episode is over. So, this happened today. Something triggered the thought in my brain that he was being a sadistic bastard playing a sick game of cat and mouse with me, trying to drive me mad. Pretending to be someone else, sending me messages to see what I'd say about him, etc. etc. Trying to get me to talk about being BP in graphic terms to gather written evidence against me when the time comes to deliver his case to a judge to gain custody of our kids...encouraging me to write this blog for the same reason. And my mind spins out of control, gathering facts out of thin air it seems, and weaving thoughts into the fabric of my paranoid...well...delusion. I pause at using the word because it seems so strong--particularly knowing what I went through before. That was a complete psychotic break. This was not. So I guess I need to get a little more descriptive when I talk about these events.
It's terribly frightening not knowing the real from the unreal. I've always regarded myself as pretty level headed. Now, I'm reduced to not knowing which way is up. I only seem to know sideways now. Maybe diagonal a little. Circular I probably know best. Yeah, circular, that's my direction. At any rate, I really thought we'd hit on THE medicinal cocktail this time. I'm a little disheartened. This was a biggie. Fortunately there were no visual disturbances and I felt like I had enough of a grip that I knew to reach out for help (unlike before where I went on the run, and then started calling 911 every time I turned around). Can't take a chance that it will get worse. Thankfully, I see Dr. Tween on Friday.
Damn, what kind of road am I on? Sometimes I get a glimpse of why the suicide statistic is so high. Not for me, but I can see how this wears a person's resolve and strength. Holding on to your mind with both hands is not easy.