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I’m Here…Back…Sort Of?

Posted Aug 30 2009 12:00am

I’ve never taken a blogging break before.  I’ve had this blog up for what? It will be three years in November? I’ve thought about taking a break many times before, and have always been on the fence about it.  I guess nothing has changed? For here you are, reading this post.

Apart from everything that has been going on for so long that you may have (or not) been reading, a major precipitating event.  I had to return to my former workplace on Friday.  The details are irrelevant.  What does matter is that I knew it would be hard.  No, beyond hard! I even took a “pre-emptive strike” Valium/Diazepam.

It didn’t even make a dent.

I was a mess.  I could barely walk, talk, I was shaking.  It felt like my heart was going to explode and fly out of my chest cavity.  I couldn’t make eye contact with the person I needed to see.  Again, I knew it would be “hard,” but I never expected it to be the disaster that it was.  And on top of, transit was disastrous too, it took me ages to get home…  So, there is some information for you that has made me go a little off the rails.

I’ve currently been immersing myself in the seven page document I’m bringing to my new Neuro tomorrow.  I’ve been digging and digging and keep adding more.  I need to stop but I can edit things to death.  I should just print the damn thing off now as the appt. is early in the morning.  I’ve never been to the office so I don’t know how long it will take me.  I should get to bed at a decent hour? Also, it could be very interesting as I sent him an “Introduction Letter” about how I wish we could have a “collaborative relationship.”  Just as I do with all of my other physicians.  That, plus this huge document? *PA shakes head*

Whatever.  I’m too tired to care at this point.

This week is going to be interesting as well.  A new doctor tomorrow and then Merlin #2 on Thursday.  We need to talk some serious business.  Not only dollars re: the stoopid guvmunt (I don’t suspect that he will deny me the “pleasure” of dealing with that.)  However, I have been trying to figure out the “best way” to fill out the form required.

Then, we need to talk about me being “Employment Ready.”  I don’t care about that either.  In my mind, I have to be.  I will be. Even if I may not be?

It’s a lesser of two evils situation.  Which situation requires less “pants shitting?” Me sitting at home doing nothing, worrying about going broke and what other disastrous scenarios? Like, leaping ahead to moving out, having to go on to “shared accommodation” and living with a stranger? Because sitting around and fretting…well, the mind does wander when you are under a lot of stress?

Or, as I am going to put it, go back to the “job disability place.”  Just start out slowly and continue going through their processes.  It will take time, but in taking that time, it may be in some way therapeutic as I am doing something. Plus, it may buy me that time I need, to be in a better space for work.

Again, sitting home alone every day…it’s not doing me well, I don’t think.  More “pants shitting,” for sure.

I think I mentioned earlier (or not?) that I contacted a place about some volunteer work, so that is good too.  The woman couldn’t talk at the moment when I called, so I emailed her.  I’ll check it out and see if it’s suitable.  It’s a “mobile” sort of thing.  It involves going to schools and working with kids, so if you need a vehicle, forget it.  I don’t own one and even if I did, my Driver’s License is totally fried–just like my brain! I need to be seizure free for a year where I am to have it reinstated.

God, with how crazy my seizures have been, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to drive again! *rolls eyes*

So, anyway.  I’ve at least made a post here so I’m sort of semi-back, or something, I guess? I will get back to comments and emails and everything, I promise.

As always, thanks for sticking with me, everyone.

Hugs,

PA

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