Where do I start…
Do you know me? Do I have a personality profile? Don’t you have a friend of a friend or a second cousin who is like me? Sure you do… you all do. I bet you could spend the next hour telling me about who I am, how I think, and what I will do next. Everyone is an expert on who I am, or are they?
The truth is I couldn’t tell you who I am, how I think, or what I will do next. I am at a loss for words to describe me. They don’t escape my mind; they have yet to have ever been spoken.
I am a prisoner of my own mind, a slave to my unpredictable actions. I am not in control of my thoughts, feelings or impulses. The battle starts when I wake and ends when my body collapses from physical and mental exhaustion. I am Bipolar Disorder I with a side of Mania. It’s not a typo, I AM Bipolar Disorder not I HAVE Bipolar Disorder. I don’t have Bipolar Mania, it has me. It controls my future, my past and my present.
If I had a medical “rap sheet” it would be filled with convictions (diagnosis) and sentences (medication); all that fall short of rehabilitation. Endless promises of a future, unshackled from desperation and anxiety; a stability and peace that is unknown to me.
Is there any real testimony or treatment for Mania? Countless medical testimonies flood the web describing my behavior, none describing the internal torment and relentless battle that ensues my mind.
I often wish I could find a doctor who possesses the same exact illness. Perhaps, that is a bit of an oxymoron since someone like me couldn’t possibly have the attention span or memory to successfully acquire the appropriate credentials to ever be a doctor. I need my physician to understand what my needs are, what the treatment really does to me. How painful the “Let’s try this” journey is for me.
What I want seems unachievable. I want to keep my euphoria, endless energy and feelings of invincibleness. I want to lose the personal recklessness, risky and destructive behavior. I want relationships where I am not the bad guy. I want peace without sacrificing who I am, my professional success, my charisma, my passion…me. Why is the trade off for peace of mind a mere shell of who I was, diluted with enough lithium to tranquilize an elephant?
Where are the people like me? Why aren’t they lighting up blogs with frustration? Are they comatose from the lithium? Have they sold the “me” for “peace”?
Where do I start…
Do you know me? Do I have a personality profile? Don’t you have a friend of a friend or a second cousin who is like me? Sure you do… you all do. I bet you could spend the next hour telling me about who I am, how I think, and what I will do next. Everyone is an expert on who I am, or are they?
The truth is I couldn’t tell you who I am, how I think, or what I will do next. I am at a loss for words to describe me. They don’t escape my mind; they have yet to have ever been spoken.
I am a prisoner of my own mind, a slave to my unpredictable actions. I am not in control of my thoughts, feelings or impulses. The battle starts when I wake and ends when my body collapses from physical and mental exhaustion. I am Bipolar Disorder I with a side of Mania. It’s not a typo, I AM Bipolar Disorder not I HAVE Bipolar Disorder. I don’t have Bipolar Mania, it has me. It controls my future, my past and my present.
If I had a medical “rap sheet” it would be filled with convictions (diagnosis) and sentences (medication); all that fall short of rehabilitation. Endless promises of a future, unshackled from desperation and anxiety; a stability and peace that is unknown to me.
Is there any real testimony or treatment for Mania? Countless medical testimonies flood the web describing my behavior, none describing the internal torment and relentless battle that ensues my mind.
I often wish I could find a doctor who possesses the same exact illness. Perhaps, that is a bit of an oxymoron since someone like me couldn’t possibly have the attention span or memory to successfully acquire the appropriate credentials to ever be a doctor. I need my physician to understand what my needs are, what the treatment really does to me. How painful the “Let’s try this” journey is for me.
What I want seems unachievable. I want to keep my euphoria, endless energy and feelings of invincibleness. I want to lose the personal recklessness, risky and destructive behavior. I want relationships where I am not the bad guy. I want peace without sacrificing who I am, my professional success, my charisma, my passion…me. Why is the trade off for peace of mind a mere shell of who I was, diluted with enough lithium to tranquilize an elephant?
Where are the people like me? Why aren’t they lighting up blogs with frustration? Are they comatose from the lithium? Have they sold the “me” for “peace”?