I left off at hearing the voices of my dead twins. Actually, better termed as Womb Twins for my Category here, Womb Twin Survivor. I also said I’d try to keep any medical-type stuff out of the (these) post(s.) Sorry! Absolutely necessary. Plus, absolutely necessary for some talk about my Therapist–and how crazy I am according to her!
*shuffles medical study papers*
Once upon a time, a long time ago, there were two VERY OLD Psychiatrists. Their names were Vygotsky and Modell. They both had some ideas of hearing “voices” in your head.
Vygotsky coined the term, “Inner Talk.” What he meant, was if we said something in our own heads like, “Oh you bloody idiot, you forgot AGAIN!” Then, Modell had a different opinion. He said, “Hmmm…well, thanks, Vy. But I think you’re missing something. There’s something MORE to this.”
So, he went out to find is “MORE.” How? He grabbed a bunch of Schizophrenics for a study. Nothing against Schizophrenics, but certainly back then, the best population. “Okay, guys,” he said. ”LISTEN AWAY!!!”
What happened? MY HEAD FLEW OFF MYSHOULDERS. Wait. That comes later. But you might figure out why anyway.
The people in the study certainly heard a lot. But it was they heard that was pretty spectacular. The voices were somehow known to them. Very familiar and even comforting. Sometimes, they were literally “familiar” in terms of family members who may have been deceased. Moreover, they all seemed to be offering guidance; forms of help.
Ever since then, Modell’s version of a “VAH” (Verbal Auditory Hallucination) has been landmarked as the standard since 1980.
On a personal note, I will not say that you can’t deviate from Modell’s VAH. It’s not carved in stone. However, it’s carved in something that’s pretty damn solid. I will also say that Schizophrenics definitely do not always have such “comforting” VAHs! No.
Can you see how my head flew off my shoulders up there? Family. Dead. Comfort. My lost Womb Twins.
Of course I brought this to my Therapist! She is excellent. I am blessed to have her. I needed a highly targeted Therapist. One who could help me with my PTSD. Hell, I can use CBT on myself. And it works! Nonetheless, extremely daunting as who out there can really attack PTSD (not to mention my Dissociative Amnesia of such extreme proportions!)
On the first day we first met, she described how she worked as “eclectic.” I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. One meeting and that was it. Usually it takes several to see if you’re (possibly) a good match!
The twins were already on the table. Her take? That was fine. I wasn’t crazy. If it was comforting and not harmful to me, that’s great! I brought her Vygotsky and Modell. Check this out! Her take? WOW! THIS REALLY IS AWESOME PA!
The above, irrespective of Vy. and Mod. could otherwise have me locked up for the rest of my life, in a closet that was just one big pillow!
I’ve told her stuff that will NEVER, EVER be posted on this blog. It’s beyond all comprehension, all sanity and is so confusing! Her take? That sounds SO amazing! It’s like you’re feeling a sense of freedom. A sense where you don’t have to worry about anyone. Not anyone else. You can just BE YOU!
I still don’t get that! Maybe someday I will. But that’s part of therapy.
At times, you have to give it up, let it go and fully trust your Therapist. It doesn’t mean you’re some kind of puppet! But if you’re working on the really intense stuff–that’s when you have to surrender some of yourself–and it can usually be a big part. Scary at first? Might feel automatic in the future!
So being a Cyborg isn’t so bad at all! At least for me! Although I’m not sure if I still am. All of the intense fevers that were making me delirious were the result of very bad pneumonia. I’m now starting antibiotics.
It’s alright. I once had a Simple partial seizure where I was completely convinced I was a form of AI (Artificial Intelligence.) I became Data from Star Trek! No, I was a different form.
Did it scare me? Oh my god, no!!! It was the BEST Sensory Simple partial I’ve ever had! I LOVED IT!!!
Oh, right. I almost forgot. I said to remember the words logic and psychologicical. I’m not going to offer any explanations or comments. You think about them and what I’ve written if you wish.