Hospitalization #7 – Part V – The Post That Was Never Written
Posted Jun 24 2009 12:00am
NOTE: All links to this series may be found at the end of these posts.
This was only written up in point form as I was in terrible shape. I thought I could transcribe it into long form but never did so now I will. It is for:
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Today is the day I am out on pass. As I mentioned, I had planned this trip before I was hospitalized and thought it might be a good idea to go anyway. Perhaps it would take my mind off things?
Actually, I went there last year and promised people I would show pictures on my blog but I never did. They needed to be altered as PA is anonymous and it just never got done. The place is a Wild Animal Sanctuary run by a woman who grew up with Learning Disabilities and this is now her dream come to reality. Just about all of the animals are domesticated so are “hands on” (they have been rescued.) The Sanctuary is not open to the public. Its purpose is to be used as therapeutic treatment for people/kids with Special Needs, on the Autistic Spectrum etc… I know. Fantastic.
I had a great time last year but this year? Not so much. In fact, well, once there…maybe a bit better but prior to arrival…? *PA hangs head*
The group agreed to meet for lunch at a restaurant (the same plan as last year) and head up together. I was a mess already but by the time everyone arrived, I became completely and totally overwhelmed. The worst ever in my life. A full-on Asperger’s meltdown!
Everyone’s voices all around me became so loud! I was completely surrounded by them and felt trapped! They began to fill my head as if nothing else was in it and the volume of their voices! It was almost painful! I felt myself starting to cry. I couldn’t even lift my head to make eye contact with J. (it is through a group he/we belong to re: this trip.) I ran out of the restaurant! J. just looked at me and said: “Smoke?”
As soon as I got outside, I just started bawling. I was flipping out all over the place. Another woman that I did know from the group that is friends with J. was familiar with the Autistic Spectrum. She came out and had a cigarette with us and we talked for a bit.
Wow. This was unbelievable. It made me feel so…”different”…? It’s like, how do I fit into the human race? So violent a reaction that no one else had! To go running outside like the building is on fire while people are simply having lunch?
If I never understood what it feels like to have Asperger’s, I sure do now!
Once we got to the Sanctuary, we could spread out a bit so I could try and calm down. But the photos! They are decidedly different from the ones taken last year! I either have total Aspie Face or am not even looking at the lens. Well, in some I might have a smile. Also, my hospital bands are visible! I couldn’t take them off for my pass! *rolls eyes*
By the time I got back, I was completely exhausted (and still rather a mess.) I did not want any more social interaction at all! Well, I told my nurse about it make sure it was in my chart and I got my meds. I also wrote about it to R. on his notepad and then just crashed.