I did manage to see my mum and best friend on Saturday 17th after another consultant psychiatrist took me off the constant obs. But I forgot to write it up on my notebook other than this little post. It was a nice afternoon, we went for lunch and a look round the shops and I got to spend about 3 hours with them which was really really good for my state of mind: http://mycrazybipolarlife.wordpress.com/2011/09/17/1351-quick-but-happy-post/
6AM SUNDAY MORNING
My mood is very very low. I just used all of my bravery to ask the female nurse ‘M’ (the other one I hate and who mutually hates me back) anyways – I just went to ask her if I could have a chat because my head was feeling very low. She was sitting in the office reading a magazine and playing about on the computer and straight out said ‘no, I’m far too busy’
Now I’m a big emotional wreck. They want me to be honest and find a member of staff if my head is going crazy so that I don’t do anything ‘stupid’. I’ve just come back to bed and am crying my eyes out because she just dismissed my emotions for no reason at all.
I felt so positive yesterday whilst I was out on pass for a few hours and then late last night a new girl was brought in. She was nice and we chatted and got along well. I woke up at the back of 4am to find her gone. Yep the £15 snoring spray hadn’t worked again and she had gone to an empty bed next door. That’s three girls who have left my room in little over a week and I’m trying so fucking hard but you can’t control what you do in your sleep can you? Especially when you are on so many meds as I am. This is why I want a side room so badly, even though it’s a bit lonely, it makes you feel like shit when every new person moves straight out my room and it would make much more sense for them to have an available four bed room and just put me in a single room.
I’m sinking this morning. I’ve decided to go to church for some peace and despite my mixed up views on religion, I’ve been to this church before and found it very therapeutic. The nurses are all fussing over a couple of patients. I know they don’t like me and I’m a burden to them at the moment with my on/off constant obs. It’s cool though, I don’t like them much either. I’d like to request a discharge at tomorrow’s review but I don’t think it’s very likely to happen. Plus it would mean no EMDR treatment which I really believe sounds like something that could help me with all the trauma I carry around on my shoulders. EMDR sounds promising but you have to be able to be stable and grounded to focus on it completely.
For now though I’m going back to cuddling into my little soft toy until my tears have ran out and it’s time to go to church.
(Shortly after this, during my Monday review I was allowed home so this is the last hospital diary, for now anyways!)