Health knowledge made personal
 The past week has been insane, culminating with three days of "why can't I stay focused and get anything done?" Geez, I felt like I was going to float away. There was no way my feet were on the ground. I was flitting here and there, starting things but not getting anything accomplished, giddy as all get out, then not sleeping the last two nights. I bet you figured it out before I did. Yep, that's right...mania snuck up on me this time. No warning, no agitation, no anxiety, just plain helium-headed giddiness. Damn, it felt good. But wait, did it really? Sure the giddiness was fun, but it was so incredibly frustrating not to look back on my day and feel satisfied about what I'd accomplished.
It wasn't until this morning, when I was thinking about what I wanted to focus on in my Healing Touch session with Jill, when I realized what had been going on. I was thinking about my blood pressure, then one thought led to another...unfocused, ungrounded, silly, not sleeping...damn, I felt stupid. How could I not have seen it? Did I just not want to see it? I did so well the last time it happend, I don't understand how it got the better of me this time. A manic episode is a deceptive, sneaky little bitch. I'll be your best friend, we'll have so much fun. Don't worry about your responsibilities, we've got better things to do. Oh, trust me, you'll be so happy. I won't let that old demon depression get to you, I'll keep you safe. This was not a manic episode I recognized in myself. I've heard of them and seen them in my daughter, but I've never had a "good" manic episode. Mine have always been filled with agitation and often have been a mixed episode (combined with depression). But I have to question that term "good." What good is it when it gets in the way of everyday life, a decent night's sleep, or accomplishing a simple task? So I went to see Jill, we talked about it, and I lay on the table. Then I started to freak out. I don't think I wanted to let go of it. I think I was afraid that the absence of mania would be depression, not simply a good, grounded life without mania. She started the way I've asked her to, by mind clearing. But I just couldn't stop fighting the process. Finally she just walked to the other end and held my ankles. I started to feel calmer, safer, more grounded...and that's what I focused on. She was able to then get back to what needed to be done. I think I was there about a total of two hours, it took that long. But we finally did it. She helped me, once again, to feel calm and focused. The moral to the story? I've got to learn to be mindful of how I feel all the time, not just if I'm suspicious of a feeling. I hope to get into the habit of adding some kind of self-reflection to my morning routine. I don't want to go back on mood stabilizers. Twice, now, I've gotten through it without meds. I want to keep it that way.  * *Reminder: I do NOT advocate going without medication if that is what you need to manage your mania or depression. This is what works for me. It may not always; I acknowledge that and know that the best thing to do in that case will be to call my psych and get back on the mood stabilizers.**
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