Yes, this is now what I am now what I am calling Christmas Day. “Poop Day.”
I apologize to everyone who enjoys celebrating it. I do not. I have been trying to squelch the memories from the past but they keep coming up. They started this morning in a brief flash and I shut them down but as today progressed, they increased and I could not take them anymore.
I know. Do not drink. Every one of you (or a lot of you?) have said this to me. But now/today it is a difficult time. In the “New Year,” okay…PA, get it together…but now, it hurts and it is too easy to escape. Believe me, it doesn’t make me feel any better about it.
But really, I must speak freely. This is a shite time of a year for me and it’s hitting me…well, I can’t gauge it more one than any other. When you are mentally ill, a lot of things can hit you hard but I do know that Christmas does hit me. It hurts me even though I don’t want to admit it. And as I said in my last post, it probably hurts more when I am alone? Yes, I think that is true.
Of course! You’re sitting by yourself and even if you don’t believe in all of the bullshit merriment, everyone else around you does or seems to. Or has a place to go? Or something to do? And again my stupid family memories that I said above that I tried to block out that I just…whew!
I am still struggling with calling my mother tomorrow.
But at least I went out and got some food. I did do some grocery shopping?
Fuck.
Tallis Scholars is back on the stereo. It seems I can’t listen to anything else these days.
Yes, this is now what I am now what I am calling Christmas Day. “Poop Day.”
I apologize to everyone who enjoys celebrating it. I do not. I have been trying to squelch the memories from the past but they keep coming up. They started this morning in a brief flash and I shut them down but as today progressed, they increased and I could not take them anymore.
I know. Do not drink. Every one of you (or a lot of you?) have said this to me. But now/today it is a difficult time. In the “New Year,” okay…PA, get it together…but now, it hurts and it is too easy to escape. Believe me, it doesn’t make me feel any better about it.
But really, I must speak freely. This is a shite time of a year for me and it’s hitting me…well, I can’t gauge it more one than any other. When you are mentally ill, a lot of things can hit you hard but I do know that Christmas does hit me. It hurts me even though I don’t want to admit it. And as I said in my last post, it probably hurts more when I am alone? Yes, I think that is true.
Of course! You’re sitting by yourself and even if you don’t believe in all of the bullshit merriment, everyone else around you does or seems to. Or has a place to go? Or something to do? And again my stupid family memories that I said above that I tried to block out that I just…whew!
I am still struggling with calling my mother tomorrow.
But at least I went out and got some food. I did do some grocery shopping?
Fuck.
Tallis Scholars is back on the stereo. It seems I can’t listen to anything else these days.