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First Agoraphobia. Now Paranoia?

Posted Nov 22 2010 12:00am

I haven’t been online much lately.  Alright, yesterday I tossed a song up for MP3 of the Moment.  I also responded to a couple of DMs on Twitter.  I felt “responsible” somewhat in that area.  Because being responsible never goes away as far as I’m concerned! Oh, no! Despite it being VERY much to my detriment.  So, in terms of certain DM’ing, I should perhaps learn to be a little less responsible? *ponders*

Nonetheless, I am back to make a post.  A real one with actual words.  Well, the other one had words.  Just a song title and its accompanying artist/s.  This one? What can I say?

What can I say? I guess I’ll just say whatever I can say.  Which is pretty screwed up as far as I’m concerned.  Yet more uncharted territory in terms of a hospitalization for me! And I’m not fuckin’ liking it!

During Hospitalization #6 (this is Hospitalization #8) I developed agoraphobia for the first time in my life.  It was the oddest feeling.  It took me several days to be able to walk far enough from the property to make the streets simply visual enough to be navigable.  It took another day or two to actually navigate them.  Also, with someone else with me.

Here? Now? Something’s happening.

Is it “just” all the stress that I am under? There has been “new” stress, as well.

Remember my friend J. You know, the one who put his sister and I through absolute hell roughly six weeks ago? Yeah, that guy.  The one who was in total denial about being homeless until he actually was.  Then I had to pull out all the stops to get him any and all supports (much to his continuing denial.)

Then his sister flew over from Paris and gave me a hand.  Although, things just got worse, so really, was there a point to her borrowing the money she didn’t have for the flight? Not to mention, throwing herself further into debt by paying for moving all his shit, tossing it into storage and covering that for months?

Well, guess who came back? Although, he never went away.  He “somehow” got kicked out of his temporary housing location dealing with concurrent disorders.  I see.  I received a text on my mobile saying he wanted to be admitted where I was.  How convenient! Meet you downstairs! *rolls eyes*

Guess who went into denial about wanting to be admitted (AGAIN!) Guess who is still badgering me every day since (FINALLY!) being admitted? I am ignoring him.  He’s not getting the hint.

Does anyone else out there know someone similar? If you do, I’m sure you can relate to how irritating, upsetting and UNHEALTHY this can be when you are dealing with issues of your own!!!

I think any other “stressors” that may be lingering in my life at the moment are alright? I suspect so?

Moving on to the direct content: AM I FUCKING PARANOID??

I’m not joking.  Either that or I have entered some unbelievable Aspie existence that is barely comprehensible.  Even to me.

My normal “Hospitalization Pattern” is to go inpatient, become a hermit for a few days and then be a total arse.  I’m fine, cracking jokes, all is right with the insane world.  And I was like that.  Until a couple of days ago.

I’m still being friendly(?)  I’m still being upbeat(?)  I’m still engaging everyone else in conversation(?)  But the feedback I’m getting (or my perception of it?) is not good.

Examples of Fucked Up Paranoid Feelings:

  • I’m no longer part of the “In Crowd” where I was before (everyone making jokes and having fun like I do and did)
  • Individuals I got along with before are no longer talking to me
  • I was complaining about something that was pissing me off a lot and the person said: “Are you still upset about that?”
  • I made a comment about liking something that most people wouldn’t like to eat.  When I walked away, immediate laughter erupted all around
  • No room is being made for me at the tables where people are sitting during meals when they made room before

I guess that’s it.  I think? There are other things but they’re irrelevant because they are clearly out of bounds as far as Aspie territory goes, anyway (like not being asked to go out with others.)  Right.  I’d really have a tantrum if I couldn’t go out for a walk with a group of people.

I went out for a walk alone today, actually, as I thought I was going to…I don’t know…I have no clue.  I took a Valium, something for my pounding head and just got out as fast as I could! I was gone for almost two hours.  Where I am is an interesting area, so I explored some places I hadn’t been to in a while.  I also picked up a couple of special, little things…

I don’t understand this.  What’s going on? Right now, I’m just not talking to anyone.

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