A while back I talked about getting on a creative track whenever my moods begin to fluctuate. Where in the mornings I either do something mentally demanding or I draw, or something that engages my mind. That’s been helpful in many ways. Lately, since I forgot my pencils, I haven’t had time to draw; rather I’m playing sudoku on my phone. That’s helped with some of the stress. It engages me, makes me feel accomplished, and above all, takes my mind off of my moods.
Also, up here again I have also started a new regimin of simple exercises. I have running shoes and a few days ago I went for a run. I made it 2 miles and my legs are still killing me (thank you back injury). But it did help settle me down. I was agitated and it proved to lower the amount of agitation throughout the entire day. Unfortunately, I cannot continue this activity today since it is snowing outside and I’m not that hard core. But instead I’ve done some simple core exercises, pushups and crunches. When I first started doing them, I didn’t feel like doing much of anything. I couldn’t focus very well and didn’t know what to read or write about. My mind was caught in the klonopin haze that I’ve been loathing for the past week.
So instead of just sitting around attempting to read, I did my exercises for about 10 minutes. Just laying on the floor before doing crunches felt nice. It let my back relax and muscles unwind. Then doing some crunches and push ups, I got my heart going. It didn’t take long. 50 odd pushups and 3 reps of crunches were all I could manage, but it got my heart pumping harder and now I have that delightful ache that accompanies exercise. I did it without much motivation, it was more boredom and lethargy led me to try and do something other than sit. And now, after doing a little exercise, my mind feels clearer. It seems to knock out the klonopin haze fairly quickly. And fortunately (or unfortunately) it is making me want to do more. I can feel that manic side of me waiting on the other side of the river of benzos trying to get me to go on a shopping spree or some such thing. The main thing though, is that it is making me feel creative. I’m trolling through craigslist trying to find a synthesizer. I pulled out Ableton Live and wanted to play a little bit. The dysphoria seems to dissipate after these little bouts of exercise and the mania grips tighter.
And this is part of the new approach that I’m taking in general. Having had a lot of time to sit and think to myself, I’ve come to the realization that I’m still pushing myself too hard and not trying as hard to stay in control. Instead, I need to take more me time. Not to relax, but to exercise, to expand my brain, read poetry and philosophy in areas that do not pertain to my thesis. I need to combat my manic focus on a single activity by broadening my focus. I also need to learn to seize control of the energy that it brings me and focus it. I don’t want manias to disappear, I want them to become manageable. And so far, I think that maybe a little exercise and a little time spent on me will help me control it. That, and zyprexa.
But this is just speculation on my part. I still feel like I’m on a rollercoaster of emotions, but I finally have a small high like I used to have with manias. Maybe I’m doing something right and needed, or the zyprexa is starting to take hold now 9 days into it. Anyways, it’s nice to have a little bit of the old me back. One of the upcoming posts will definitely be about exercise and mental health. But for now, it’ll just be me blabbing about my life.
Philosophy, Science, Bipolar I, and Life
A while back I talked about getting on a creative track whenever my moods begin to fluctuate. Where in the mornings I either do something mentally demanding or I draw, or something that engages my mind. That’s been helpful in many ways. Lately, since I forgot my pencils, I haven’t had time to draw; rather I’m playing sudoku on my phone. That’s helped with some of the stress. It engages me, makes me feel accomplished, and above all, takes my mind off of my moods.
Also, up here again I have also started a new regimin of simple exercises. I have running shoes and a few days ago I went for a run. I made it 2 miles and my legs are still killing me (thank you back injury). But it did help settle me down. I was agitated and it proved to lower the amount of agitation throughout the entire day. Unfortunately, I cannot continue this activity today since it is snowing outside and I’m not that hard core. But instead I’ve done some simple core exercises, pushups and crunches. When I first started doing them, I didn’t feel like doing much of anything. I couldn’t focus very well and didn’t know what to read or write about. My mind was caught in the klonopin haze that I’ve been loathing for the past week.
So instead of just sitting around attempting to read, I did my exercises for about 10 minutes. Just laying on the floor before doing crunches felt nice. It let my back relax and muscles unwind. Then doing some crunches and push ups, I got my heart going. It didn’t take long. 50 odd pushups and 3 reps of crunches were all I could manage, but it got my heart pumping harder and now I have that delightful ache that accompanies exercise. I did it without much motivation, it was more boredom and lethargy led me to try and do something other than sit. And now, after doing a little exercise, my mind feels clearer. It seems to knock out the klonopin haze fairly quickly. And fortunately (or unfortunately) it is making me want to do more. I can feel that manic side of me waiting on the other side of the river of benzos trying to get me to go on a shopping spree or some such thing. The main thing though, is that it is making me feel creative. I’m trolling through craigslist trying to find a synthesizer. I pulled out Ableton Live and wanted to play a little bit. The dysphoria seems to dissipate after these little bouts of exercise and the mania grips tighter.
And this is part of the new approach that I’m taking in general. Having had a lot of time to sit and think to myself, I’ve come to the realization that I’m still pushing myself too hard and not trying as hard to stay in control. Instead, I need to take more me time. Not to relax, but to exercise, to expand my brain, read poetry and philosophy in areas that do not pertain to my thesis. I need to combat my manic focus on a single activity by broadening my focus. I also need to learn to seize control of the energy that it brings me and focus it. I don’t want manias to disappear, I want them to become manageable. And so far, I think that maybe a little exercise and a little time spent on me will help me control it. That, and zyprexa.
But this is just speculation on my part. I still feel like I’m on a rollercoaster of emotions, but I finally have a small high like I used to have with manias. Maybe I’m doing something right and needed, or the zyprexa is starting to take hold now 9 days into it. Anyways, it’s nice to have a little bit of the old me back. One of the upcoming posts will definitely be about exercise and mental health. But for now, it’ll just be me blabbing about my life.