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down, down , down

Posted Mar 19 2010 10:14am
I know it has been only a short time since I spiraled to the bottom, but I feel myself going down.  Maybe not to the exremes that I went before, but I can feel the "falling".  This one is different, it was brought on by my brothers anger and raging at me which caused me to cry constantly.  My eyes are still burning and tired from the crying, and the fact that I realized that in all of the 5 yrs. of my ordeal of fighting with my cocktail of mental illnesses, not once, not one time has he ever ask me how I was doing.  Not even when I was at my very lowest and it the mental institution did he show any concern, yet I have given 100 percent to help with his problem with alcoholism.  That only made me cry harder, he is totally selfish and could care less if I live or die except for the fact he would miss his punching bag.  I am devastated, I realized that my sister[whom I raised from childhood] treats me the same way except she doesn't treat me like a punching bag.  No, she just treats me like I donn't exist.  My husband is ashamed of me.  I will never forget the time I was diagnosised with several mental illnesses and when we got into the car he looked over at me and said," We donn't have to tell anybody about this, do we ? " A big part of my love for him died that day and it will never be replaced.  I am a human, I hurt, I have feelings, I donn't want my loved ones to be ashamed of me or nor care about me.  If they treat you that way, I guess they are not really your loved ones, are they?
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