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Doctors, Diagnosis, Fear, and Working

Posted Feb 26 2010 1:14pm 1 Comment
Ok, so there is this place about 30 minutes from where i live that accepts patients with no insurance, but you have to call at 8am...for a same day appointment. I have a few drawbacks...one they do a sliding scale based on income...my husband is the only one that works, all of his paycheck has to go to bills or we wont make it...they are not going to see it this way and still want us to pay at the very least 20 dollars, plus prescriptions. 
Second drawback, I have a dreadful sleep schedule and half the time I am just hitting the hay at 8am. 
Third drawback, I am afraid. i am absolutely terrified of going back to see a psychiatrist. I am not so afraid of the therapist part, but the actual doctor...yea i am scared shitless. The last man i saw, was so mean. I know mean is an understated preschool word, but he was. I felt two inches tall while sitting in front of him. I felt judged, laughed at, hated, and worst of all like he didn't believe a word I said. He never even gave me a true diagnoses. He said we are treating you for bipolar...almost like he didn't want to give it a name...but that he had to call it something...no type of bipolar no extra pieces of diagnosis..nothing. He always acted put upon for having to write scripts and for having to write a letter for me to be able to go back to work. He even expressed his dislike towards me and I continued to go because i like my therapist, and i couldn't see my therapist if i didn't stay with his practice. He even would get angry with me if i shared things with my therapist that i didn't with him...umm, HELLOOO i got 20 minutes with him and an hour with my therapist...he would accuse me of lying to him and would say so smugly "How can i help you if you are going to lie to me every time we meet?" Every time i had an appointment with him I would feel nauseated...scared even to open my mouth. I never felt comfortable and i never felt like i could be completely honest with him.
I just really don't want another experience like the one i had. I am afraid. 
The other thing i am scared of is working again. On Meds...i space out..i move slow, i cant keep up, i feel like people are talking to me through a tunnel, I don't preform well at all. Off meds, i cry hysterically before going to work to the point my husband wont even let me drive so i am late or don't go in at all, I get so angry while i am at work, I back talk superiors and even customers, I will even appear crazy when i talk to myself....yea i know i'm retarded i talk to myself....before going into work i just dread it, before i cry, i just think of different scenarios and i stress myself out, i get a headache, stomach ache and i want to run in the house cry and go back to bed...the thought of work is unbearable to me. If and when i get to work all i think is "they are judging me" i drive myself crazy adjusting my clothes, talking under my breath, watching everyone around me, every move they make, I cant stand it...i feel like everyone is watching me...then it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and it gets really hard to breathe...especially when its crowded or loud. Is this normal? Does everyone feel this way about work..how do they work through it if they do...? I hate that my husband has to provide for me...he has given up things to work to provide for me...I feel like a failure, a leech, a parasite, incompetent...and this is with or without meds. Read on if you want to see how i go to the point i am now....
[The story of how I got unemployed and without doctor supervision...long story short
I had been cutting..first time ever started when i was 20...It got worse when i was put on lithium...i was seriously contemplating suicide...I was put on medical leave at work.....i admitted myself to a mental hospitol for a week...i got out decided i didn't want this anymore...i quit my job got, lost my insurance, lied to my psychiatrist that i was feeling much better since my wonderful experience at the hospital (which was full of drug addicts not one person with an illness like me), quit seeing the therapist and psych (no insurance), Quit my meds (no doc, insurance, or refills), went back to the university, got a part time job, had a horrible manic depressive mood quit going to class, withdrew from school quit my new job...and the rest...history...this is where i am today...my husband and i live with my parents, because we lost out rental house when i lost my job, he works a job that pays only a small amount more than minimum wage... we have no insurance, he gets less than 40 hours a week, I have no job, no schooling, no doctor, no life....I am pathetic and everyday feel the effects of my bad mistakes. I feel worthless. I now blog to keep myself busy and to relate with others. MY friends and family get sick of hearing my sob story and i guess i don't blame them.]

Sorry for all the posting today...just a lot on my mind...two posts may not be all...but i will try to hold back.
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My first experience with a phychiatrist sounds almost like yours, only mine was with a woman and she never really gave me a diagnosis.  She treated me like I was there for the xanax, never mind the other meds I was having to take.  Each time she ask me the same questions like she had never seen me before, I talked to my therapist about it and he starting going with me occasionally to my doctor visits.  He was the one that diagnosised me.  I had an appointment when I was a manic stage [I have no memory of this] apparenty my therapist went with me.  I said things to that doctor that had never been said to her before [according to my therapist].  Trying to grab her hand I told her if she wanted to see people coming to her for drugs I would take her out to the waiting room and show her a whole room full.  I made quiet a scene in front of her whole staff and her patients  [my therapist says I got more than a few laughs, but she was none to happy] and I switched doctors after that.  Completely happy with the one I am seeing now.   
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