How often is that phrase (to loathe or not), used when we are told to lie down (or not), close our eyes (or not), and relax? Now, I cannot do that. Now, I will not do that. It is completely counterintuitive and counterproductive to what I am trying to achieve. If I were to do that, it would mean only one thing: denial.
A link needs to be supplied to this post for background, of course. Should someone find themselves here out of nowhere, reading that may give them some further understanding.
This is so hard. Well, two things. Writing this post, and trying to conduct this “work” on myself. I am utterly, physically and mentally exhausted (NOTE: I left out “emotionally.”) It’s funny (i.e. ironic), what can happen when you are in a state like this. Your defenses are down, if not obliterated, altogether. It makes this “work,” as I said entirely tongue-in-cheek before, “easier.” It’s amazing what thoughts and feelings seem to automatically rise to the surface.
So far today (as far as I can remember), I’ve had the following:
Oh, bloody hell that last one! Again, what rises to the surface when you’re not expect…? How long has it been since I admitted, said, admitted…oh, bother! that one to myself? Years and years! Merely days ago, I would simply have said, “I’m just a hermit.”
That’s not true. Alright, I live like a hermit. That is true. Nonetheless: And that one’s a biggie. That one implies–hell, more than implies–it clearly indicates a void in my life. Completely born from my “being born.” That one’s going to take some time to sort out.
So. How am I attempting to “sort things out?” Well, I can’t take full credit for all of it. Or at least the “last step?”
A long time ago, I was having a talk about this whole ball of wax that refuses to melt, with this blogger . She gave me that portion of it, and it is a visual idea. I’m finding it helpful, as I am not a visual person.
First, when these feelings I cannot and will not deny, wash over me, pierce right through me, I have to let that happen. It may cause nausea, numbness, palpitations, fear…it doesn’t matter.
Second, I have to recognize them. I have to stop everything. I need to try and clear my mind of all that is going on around me and focus on those feelings. I need to see them for exactly what they are.
Third. Once I have a grasp on that certain feeling, I know what it is, I then need to validate it. This means not judging it, not tying it to any other external stimulus or stimuli in my life. I need to just accept it for what it is. Immediately as it is occurring.
The fourth step is the visual one. I need to picture an “Adult PA,” holding a “tiny, wee, child PA.” I picture that as best I can. The Adult PA is holding the child PA in her arms. She is rocking her back and forth. She is stroking her hair. The child PA may be crying (so far she hasn’t yet, but the “Real, Living PA” has been close!) Then, in my head, I say the words that the Adult PA would say to the child PA, based upon the circumstances.
That’s what I’ve come up with for now. We shall see.