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Disseminating the Real

Posted Sep 27 2010 12:00am

I’ve been out in the rain and have just come home.  My jeans are clinging, damp; tight against my legs.  This may be the first “feeling” of any said “reality” I’ve had in a while.  Even better that it is tactile; appealing to my senses.

I am not changing my clothes.  I want to feel the coldness of the rain against me for as long as I can.  I may go outside to soak myself in that rain more if it hasn’t stopped.

I said today would be a New Day.  A (Bit of a) New Me.  I don’t think I will ever be “New” but some changes need to be made.  Absolutely.

I’m trying to figure out how I have arrived where I am right now.  I’m not sure how important that is.  What is most important, is getting myself out of a very, terrible fix.  You see, I have become extremely unstable.  Did I get tossed into a rather nasty, Bipolar Cycling whirlwind? This would not surprise me at all, by several actions of late.  I have so clearly not been acting as my “regular” self.

I have begun to engage in somewhat “ritualized” cutting.  Or at least “regular” cutting.  Yes, yes…let’s be honest and bring it out of the closet.  What on earth? What am I doing?? I have done two cuttings in less than a week! I have NEVER done that!!!

The suicidal thoughts have come back, too.  Although, the other night, I sat amongst them and tossed the one of many arguments across the table.  No, to kill myself would hurt some people I would leave behind.

Have I done some kind of bizarre and twisted, mental-out-of-your-mind, bait and switch? Nonetheless, this all has to stop.  I can’t keep going on like this.

I’m going back out in the rain now, to try and feel more “real.”

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