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Diary of a Bipolar Victim

Posted Aug 07 2009 7:17pm
Below is some of my diary from the last several months discussing my mental illness, Bipolar, along with Alcoholism. I wanted to do this because writing and researching I have found others like me. I'm not alone. That's part of a trigger for bipolar is the loneliness you feel with this disease. Writing has been a great therapy for me and I want to share some of it. I'm doing a research study on bipolar and alcoholism where this pill is suppose to stop alcoholic cravings. But am I taking the real deal or just a sugar pill? We shall see. Read on...


I WROTE THIS PIECE IN A HURRY SO I APOLOGIZE FOR THE MISSPELLINGS. I feel that I have no one to talk to about Bipolar. I found recently that I have duel Bipolar. Bipolar and Alcoholism. When I talk to my dad he just doesn't want to hear my issues about my manic. It just doesn't want to accept my illness. The other day when I was talking to him I tried to tell him what I was going through. Just like when I ended up in the mental hospital when I committing myself after binge drinking for two weeks and then the thought of suicide, which I didn't go through because of intervention from above. Even then I dropped hints on how now I was and how lonely I felt. I had just lost a relationship of 5years and at the same time my son told me he was going in the army for 6 years. Six long years. I couldn't cope. I started drinking to stop the feelings I was having. I would panic and have anxiety. So I just drank for around 2 -3 weeks around the clock. Then one night everything came to an end I attempted to cut my wrist. But something happen and instead called a friend, not my parents. My friend called my doctor who had been treating me and I then went to the hospital where I stayed for 7 weeks. My Dad finally realized that I had a problem. However, I do still drink, that don't think I do. I'm hinting again, but no one listens. I don't want to hurt them. I spoke with my mom this morning about my conversation with my dad and she actually opened up to me. She told me she had been crying and rocking back and forth for no reason. So we talked and she listened and I listened. I don't talk to her usually because she gets to upset. She can't remember things here lately and that depresses her. So I don't talk very much to her about my issues. Last year I started accepting the fact, because I looked back on my past of lost jobs, lost relationships, suicidal thoughts, just crazy thinking, and a whole lot of bull. I figured there is some kind of problem and I think about he doctors that diagnosed me with bipolar. But even then it wasn't as published as it is now. I just kept denying it because they seem not to think it important. When I was in rehab they gave me Lithium and Paxil. I was so drugged out. I took lithium for a while until I went to another doctor and they said it was a dangerous drug. So I was put on Lexapro, Celexa and then Prozac. I never could afford to go to the proper doctor. I'm fed up. I'm, 56 years old and I need help. I have no job or insurance but thought there has to be some kind of help out there. I spend the other day doing research and found site for North Dallas Bipolar Group. It was great to get feedback from others that have gone through exactly what I have been going through. I just thought I was crazy and all alone. Once my father told me that mom had manic. I figured it was inherited. Was it? Or is it? Just he other day I was trying to tell him what I have found out lately and about mom. He said, "She doesn't have manic she is just depress, It’s old age." But dad that was a long time ago that you said that and she still does sits all alone in the back room crying. When we spoke this morning she said it's because she felt helpless and all alone. That's the way I feel. So we talked. It was great for the first time. If only we could do more of that. My mom can't walk very well and she can't drive so she doesn't go anywhere except to the back room in her rocker watching Gunsmoke over and over again. She isolates herself like I do here in my little apartment away from the world. When I was trying to talk to my dad the other day about the appointment I finally got with UT Southwestern Medical Center and how excited I was he just changed the subject and asked if I got my car inspected. Did you do this or that? I guess your going to have to work several jobs for money or I guess you'll have to get on disability. Anything to make me feel bad. I finally just told him I had to hang up. Yesterday I went and got my car inspected and had nothing but problems. They wanted to flush my radiator, clean my engine, etc., and kept saying no to the point if they said one more thing I was going somewhere else. After the inspection I went across the street to the grocery store and when I came out my tire was flat. Did they do it? Was it my thought? Regarding the UT Southwestern Medical University. I have an appointment not this week but next week to undergo some test to see if I qualify. I just hope I say the right things. If I'm accepted I will get free therapy and treatment for a new drug that stops the craving of alcohol and helps the bipolar. Wouldn't that be great? Could the lord be looking out for me on this? I wrote this yesterday sitting out by the pool along with = I lie a lot, and I make things bigger than they really are. I act. I'm going at being someone beside myself. It's like I living in another world besides my own. I’m, negative by cutting myself down all the time and sometimes I just want to runaway and not deal with anything. I've done this in jobs when things get crazy I just want to run and not deal with it. Somehow I know things like I know when someone is talking about me or that I know my job is in jeopardy, a lot of things. Mostly things come true of things I think about. I believe it's called intuition. My x-husband use to think I was a witch because I could call him on things that I wasn ’t supposes to know.
STOP THE INSANITY!! I was just now sitting on my bed trying to decide what to do next. I can't seem to make a settled decision. Do I take photos, do I make some jewelry, send out resumes, add items to my eBay - you name all these things and more that are going through my mind right now. So I'm writing. I'm so broke. I have bills to pay, but can't. I don't get paid until next Friday - that's a lot of time when you have to pay for gas, food, bills, etc. I tried to get my cable bill lowered, but found out that it would only cost me 10.00 less to downgrade it. If I was to discontinue service they will charge me a disconnect fee. If I have them come get the box to downgrade my cable, they'll charge me a fee, but if I take it there it'll cost me nothing. I'm working part-time and it's not enough money. I collect unemployment but that's not enough. I desperately seeking other work. I'm too old to apply for a office job. I still have my jewelry and my ebay business, but it's slow. If people would just buy things would look up. I'm so confused that I don't know what to do next. Moving to North Carolina is something I really want to do, but I can't with no money and I can't save any. I won't even be able to fly around Christmas to see my new grand baby, because gas and airline prices are outrageous! My chest is hurting right now, and I feel like I'm going to climb out of my skin. The more I think about these things the more my chest hurts. I want a drink to make it all go away. I'm depressed and want to cry, my dog is driving me crazy! He wants attention that I just can't give me right now. I'm trying very hard to not go and get any wine. Please God help me - someone help me.
I can't even afford to go to a doctor to get medication. Cost too much. What am I to do. Kill myself? I don't want to do that, because I'll never see my family again and I couldn't do that to them. But I'm tired. Living with Bipolar, Hep C and addictions takes a lot out of a person. I have no companion - just myself. I wish I had someone close to me that could come over and comfort me. I need a big hug. Someone who understands me and can help. I wish.
This is going to be my daily diary of trying to change by behaviors towards drinking so that I can either stop or change it to one drink a day not a bottle a day. They say one day at a time, one step at a time, just work it. Also, I have bipolar (manic) and this does not help at all. I'm trying to deal with everything and sometimes it gets a little overwhelming and I want to give up. So I am going to share this with you and it would be great if you would share anything you know about this problem. You can also go to my blog 6 Weeks in Rehab, which is about my diary of the time I was in rehab and what I went through.

Also, I would like to hear from other people that might be experience this same thing and how they have coped or fixed it. Is there any such thing as Fix it?

In 1998, I was in rehab, and I'm just now being able to talk about it. I'm trying my best to change my live and to stop drinking. To start I’m trying to change my drinking habits. By that I mean changing from white wine to red wine. Why? It makes me sleepy so I don't drink as much, therefore, I don't smoke so much. I'm doing what I can to change my behaviors. That's what they told us in rehab and AA. First, I stop going to bars, but that didn't help I would drink at one. So I've got to try something else and that will change my behaviors. The problem is that when I get mad, upset or things aren't going my way, I want something to calm me down. When my bipolar goes manic on me, I want to drink to calm down. It's a down hill slide. I get mad I want to drink. When I get stressed out I want to drink. When my bipolar (manic) gets bad, I want to drink to calm down. So what do I do?
I will be back - I've done a lot of writing and I need to move the diary to this blog. I write everyday so I want to share it with you. Come with me and live the life of an addict and someone dealing with Bipolar
Gosh it feels great! One of the luxuries of not working – 9-5pm is to be able to relax, heal, and finally enjoy the rest of my life. Of course, there would have to be some adjustments. Also, I’ ve never really had time before to think about myself, health, neither mentally nor physically. Now’s the time.
I’ ve been working since I can remember. I’ ve always taken care of myself with exception of marriage, where my x-husband had to control that relationship. That’s another story.
For 35 years, it’s been a living hell. Stress was eating me and with the diagnosis of Hep C, it didn ’t make it any better. Other illness included, bipolar, addiction and a major illness where I had to undergo many surgeries. They couldn ’t get it right. I was told I should have died, because I had lost so much blood. That’s where the Hep C came in - Blood transfusions. They removed half my colon, ovaries and uterus, and I’ ve had nothing but problems since. Stress made it worse. Also, I developed a drinking problem from stress, problem relationships, and just not been happy with the way my life was going. I didn ’t like what I was doing and knew that God meant for me to do something else. I believed I was to use my gift of communication with people and my creativity. But it seem that roadblocks always seem to pop up.
I just now accept the fact I have bipolar all these years. Why? I don’t know I was in denial of a lot of things. One, my parents, bless their hearts, didn ’t believe there was anything wrong with me so I didn ’t think anything was wrong with me. I felt I had a drinking problem, they didn ’t think I had a drinking problem. So I didn ’t.
Bipolar, sometimes called manic depression, because on one side you can be manic and on the flip side depression. When I’m manic, I felt like I just want to crawl out of my skin. I get so wired that I feel like I’m going to explode! My mouth gets dry and thirsty. Hot! I’m always hot. I literally have to stop and take a time out, because I don’t know what would happen. I feel very compulsive in every thing I do. I can’t make quick decisions. I imagine people are talking about me and I never do anything right. Plus, I’m a perfectionist and like to be told what a good job I’m doing. If it’s not noticed, I get mad and resentful. Yes, I have lived with this for a long time. Still I’m not on the proper medication, because I don’t have insurance, and the doctors that prescribe manic drugs cost $150 an hour. So I take a couple of Prozac a day, it seems to work sometimes. But it doesn ’t stop the mania.

I feel like I have to drink in order to feel calm and make the mania go away. The next day it starts all again. There’s no quick fix. I’m always on the urgency spin. I have to really concentrate on anything that I do. Just like having to study extra hard. I have terrible reading comprehension. I have to ready the same page over and over again until I thoroughly understand what I’m reading.
As I write this I’m not feeling well. I’m getting this tight knot in my chest; it hurts and burns, which feels like acid reflux, yet I’m feeling very anxious and nervous. I hate these feelings. I wish they would go away. I’m committed to not drink anything this week or smoke. I want to see what it feels like to not drink. But, I have to take only one day at a time and one step at a time.

3 hours latter:
The pain in my chest got really bad and I had to quit writing for a few hours. It really scared I felt like couldn ’t breathe. I was taking deep breaths to try and calm down. I couldn ’t even eat dinner – it hurt going down and I felt full. I got tested for acid reflux a long time ago and it was negative. If this is acid reflux, I don’t know how I got it. I tried drinking some baking soda and water and it seems to work.
I went to work today and I felt great! Sold a lot at the store. I really do love this job, because one of things that I found out is I'm good at sales. I can really shoot the breeze. When my bipolar kicks in I'm excited and can talk 100 miles hour. Sometimes I guess having bipolar is an advantage. HA!
I just love people. I can talk to the stranger on the corner - I love to meet a variety of people. The only thing that bothers me is the management pushes their sales associates really entice the customers in opening a credit card with the store. This is not fun. Especially in today's world with the economy the way it is, because most of them just say no, no way. People are not spending like that use to and this company just want wake up. The customers start getting mad. Their trying to shop and an manager is over there jabbing away about opening a credit card. One customer told me their tired of coming in and being harassed.
I told my manager that I like to have fun when I work and pushing people is not my style and it isn't fun.l Of course, she said, I'm sorry but that's part of the job." Many times I have thought to quit and go on to another sales type job, but I love what I'm doing and I love the store. I told myself, "Now Vickie, always quit when things are getting bad. You can handle when the hit is on so you run. You run away and start over." I do. When I feel like my serenity is caving in, I can't handle it and of course, that's when I want to drink. In fact, the other day this happen, and first thing I did was run to the store and get a bottle of wine. Not a bottle, a box of wine and of course, cigarettes. But, I didn't get a box of white wine I got a box of red wind. My sick mind feels like if I drink red wine I want drink so much. Therefore, I want smoke so much. Duh! But, I was told in AA - to change your drinking patterns, places and people. I use to just drink on the weekends. I wish I could get back to that time.
Back to the job. I'm going to change my pattern on that to. I'm going to stay and work it out. I have a lot of great customers that come to see me and that makes me feel good. I never felt this way before and it's a big challenge for me. It's part of my therapy to heal myself. My bipolar needs a little acknowledge here and there to feel like your doing something really great. A pat on the back would be great do. One think that my manager is good at is telling you what a good job we do. I rarely got that in the corporate world. It's too competitive and political. I'm so glad I made the choice, but I have to figure out a way to make a little more money. My Internet stores are going a little slow right now.
Let's have a great day!
Why do I do it? I wish someone could answer that for me. I got off work yesterday after a great day at work. Of course, I was tired, my feet hurt, and of course, all I could think about was to relax. The answer was to go to the liquor store and bought a small bottle of Vodka, tonic, and a bottle of red wine. Went I got home I poured my vodka tonic and enjoyed a cigarette. It felt great! Did i feel guilty at the time? NO. I was convincing myself that it was okay since I don't work today. My liver didn't say okay, my blood pressure didn't say okay, but my addict mind said got for it.I drank a few glasses of vodka tonic, and then I opened the bottle of wine. As usual I was watching TV, reading, and drinking. Evidently, I would fall asleep, and then I would wake up again, and pour another drink. I did that all the way up to 5:30am this morning. I put the booze up and made some coffee and read my Sunday paper. But, I didn't stop drinking the coffee until I ran out of cigarettes. Is this a compulsive habit or an addict habit? I want touch neither the rest of today. Before I broke my promise what I really really wanted to do was go home, fix a nice meal, write, read and maybe make a few jewelry pieces. My mind keeps saying I'll never quit, but my heart wants to. I have a grandson that I want to watch grow and I don't understand all of this. What can I do? I hate it! I want to be normal whatever that is. I need to stop this madness so that I can get on with my live and my business. I enjoy my photography, writing , making and designing my jewelry. I'm good at it and with this madness it puts it all on the back burner. I could have been making jewelry all night instead of the drinking. Maybe somewhere inside of me I'm feeling down because business hasn't been good. The economy is putting a halt on people wanting to buy. I hate what is going on and I HATE what I'm doing.I need to feel successful. But would that make me stop the madness? I seem to live in a world of unconsciousness. I don't think before I leap. I just do it. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite, because I say I'm doing great, but then it's not.I'm rambling, because I have been up all night. But I had to get this off my chest. For those out there that do the same thing - this is not fun. This is not the way to live your life. I may not live to see my grandchildren grow, because I'm making stupid decisions. I need help. I need a friend. Are there any friends out there? Is there a guardian angel that would like to be in my ear and whisper that I can do it just be stronger? I spent a lot of time in rehab, but it didn't work. I just couldn't wait to get out. I thought I was okay, but when I felt lonely I would go astray. I think that might be part of the problem, I'm lonely. I'm a great person in a sad women's body. HELP!I must remind you. I have been up all night and my writing stinks!
I got a comment on my other blog about nobody listening and she mentioned that it's possible that my dad or anyone that knows you have a problem, probably doesn't want to know you have it. Does that make since. My mom has been depressed for a long time and that's the norm conversation over there. So I'm commenting on her comment here.
Thank you so much for your thoughts. Your right my dad has been helping mom a long time. When she gets he one of her moods - He says she's having a bad day.
Dad isn't a big hugger or outspoken as far as showing compassion. I made him aware one day when I was in rehab that I really needed help and support. I told him that he never has hugged or said I love you, and I needed that. My mom says it all the time to me. But I wrote him a email since he interrupts me and jokes about something instead of listening, and told him how I felt in the email. He'll never mention that he read it and will just go on like nothing has happened. You know I write here because I can't find any real books out there where someone is talking about everyday problems, whether it's an illiness, relationship or just everyday real happenings. So I started writing in this blog and in my other blogs. It is the one thing that I do love to do and that's writing. I have since I can't remember.
I remember being always sad when I was around 18 or 19. I felt lonely all the time and every poem that I wrote was really sad. I read them the other day and I started crying. It was all about lonliness. I must of been depressed for along time and didn't really realize that something was really wrong with me. Doctors told me, but I didn't listen, because when I said something to my parents they would say Oh, there's nothing wrong with you. So that's how it's been with me.
But now I'm talking about it and I'm going to finally get some help with the research hospital. If they accept me I will test a new medication, be treated, therapy and the whole wash. I think I get paid for it to. It's the only way I could get help since I didn't have money or insurance. Man, I sound like a sad case!
Thanks for listening and being a friend.
I'm always dreaming of the future - where I want to be who I want to be. I used to be told Oh, you’re only dreaming. But folks, dreaming has kept me alive!
I was an abused wife in 1974 and almost killed.
In 1989 – I almost lost my life due to a doctor’s screw up. But I prayed and dreamed of what was to come.
In 1998 - I fell into a deep hole of hell. I found my 5-year relation down the tubes - I found him in bed with a much younger woman, and my one and only son called and told me he was going into the army for 6 years. I was torn down and felt so abandoned and alone. I sunk really fast and started drinking and isolated myself in my little apartment in my stuffy recliner. Just me the bottle and cig's. I had already been in therapy and was having issues about my relationships. After two weeks of nothing but drinking around the clock I starting thinking of suicide and almost was successful until I received intervention from above. I saw my son's face in the reflection of the suicidal weapon, a broken mirror. I suddenly called a friend who called my doctor who told me to go to the hospital where I spent 6 - 7 weeks. There, I was diagnosed with bipolar which I'm still battling today.
About my dreams, while in rehab I started writing in my journal and just recently, I read these journals and read what I had written back in 1998.
Dream #1 - get really good at photography and for people someone to purchase it. Recently, I sold 4 prints of my popular B&W Soccer photo.

Dream #2 - I want to write. I've had poems published, I write in blog’s, and now my only hope is for someone someday to want to write my story.
Dream #3 – I have created my own jewelry and have been successful in selling them. One more hope is to find that one piece of jewelry that everyone wants and to one day sell my jewelry in a store.
Dream # 4 - I finally opened a Ebay Store
Well here I am! My dream has almost materialized. The only thing left is moving to North Carolina someday to be with my son and my new grandbaby. Just need more success. And hope the research program that I previously got accepted in for dual bipolar will help me to survive even more.
Thanks for listening.


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