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Dark Winter Days

Posted Feb 03 2009 12:11am

A period of stability has passed and I have fallen into a late winter depression once again. Damn these cold dark days and the misery they bring on. The doctor has shaken up the combination of medications and has advised some time off work to relieve stress and provide some rest.  I pray these days will pass soon!

You never see these periods coming, when they come. The overwhelming sensations that flood your mind from every direction as you try you’re hardest to stand firm and continue functioning as usual and not to drown in the onslaught of normal responsibilities that now have transformed into giant weights that are holding your head under water and preventing you from breathing.  You try your hardest, but what was once an easy task has become impossibility.  The naturalness of your character and associated behaviours have become dislodged, distorted and broken, and you are vividly aware of how lost you feel as you desperately try to find something that you recognize in yourself that will bring you back.

There is a hopelessness that envelopes your existence. Thoughts flood your mind about how you are incapable of continuing like you have for so long. You ask yourself what you are going to do, but this question just piles more pressure on you, as you slowly retract into yourself.

Indecisiveness takes over and even small decisions feel like they are impossible to make. The mental paralysis towards decision making is excruciating and quickly becomes a form of physical paralysis as you give up on decision making and instead sit and watch time pass by moment by moment, until it is once again time to sleep.

You come to realize during these periods how empty existence can really become and how it is a state of mind that ultimately shapes the vacuum of existence into something other than itself. All these textures, shadows, shapes and sounds scattered in every direction creating something rather than nothing, but only becoming knowable and meaningful through the mind. The contents of mind I don’t think have changed, it is my experience of mind that has changed, but in changing it has transformed all appearances to take on its overpowering state of being. The contents I think are still the same, but their influence, meaning, value, importance and impact have changed in accent, personal interpretation and significance, which inevitably brings me back to questioning whether the contents are still the same, leaving me unsure of the true state of things. All I can do now is sit and wait for that morning when everything suddenly lifts and my mind returns to its non-depressed state and my relationship to the contents of my mind change once again.

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