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Cornered

Posted Aug 15 2010 12:00am

Ever since Merlin #2 made mention I was too sick to work in some form , I haven’t been feeling so well about that.  My brain is becoming a bit more de-fogged regarding the appt. when he chose to bring this issue up while I was still in the midst of a med titration.  May I also add, a med titration that was necessary because I had become rather mentally unhinged.  Rather.

Well, shit! We talked about that, too! I asked him if it was really any surprise, that after almost 2.5 years something wouldn’t have happened by now? I mean, to me it seemed a no-brainer (yuk yuk yuk…)  I told him I never expected all of this unbelievable crap to keep going on (and getting worse in some cases) so, hey! The head blows up; you’ve got to fix it!

So, with a bit more clarity in trying to remember things, I suppose it was really more of a point he wanted to raise as…an observation? A possibility? A suggestion?

Suggestion, indeed! If I ever had any doubts that the power of suggestion didn’t work, I can certainly start doubting those doubts or toss them out the window, completely! It’s like he’s planted a seed with the fastest germination period known to the entire world of flora, directly into my mind! I am well past thinking about it.  I’ve been shot like an arrow straight into rumination.

I never doubted my capabilities to work before this.  Alright.  My friend P. drove me to the appt. as I was definitely too out of it to go on my own.  I ran out of Merlin #2′s office, after wiping all the tears from my cheeks, and managed to compose myself to make it through the waiting room.  When we left, P. asked me had I actually, truly, ever doubted myself.  I thought for a while.

I did when I was stuck in bed for a month after my first tonic-clonic seizure.  Something happened to me that has only been proven in rat studies.  A body thermoregulation disorder.  I became an epileptic rat.  I was placed on “Bed Rest” for a month and I have never been that sick in my life! There were also other odd things.  It was like my hypothalamus was on a roller coaster.  I had a freak gelastic seizure due to a surge of hormonal activity (a blatant increase in libido.)  I found one man in a study that matched my exact circumstances.

Apologies.  Med geeky diversion.  However, after that was over, I was back to my regular self.  I tried to think of other moments where I did doubt my capacity to work, but I couldn’t.  Did I just not remember them? Did I just not want to remember them?

I don’t know what to do right now.  I don’t know what to think right now.  I feel cornered! Trapped! Before my brain blew up, I was still on the same track, moving along, not doubting anything! I’m trying so hard to keep thinking that it really is…what? As benign as he meant it to be?

Really, though? Wow.  Add to the other feelings I already had: so much fear, anxiety, depression.  That stuff had been going on for ages.  Now, let’s add demoralized and useless to the list.

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