control lol, and distraction even bigger lol, I dont want normality, i want despair... i want this
Posted Mar 08 2010 9:44pm
so this morning started very depressed, was so tried of trying to control my actions, i just want to let go, and stop acting like a normal person, but i know once i do, thats it, ill let go of normallity and i cant do that. Aswell as that too many ppl around me will get hurt emotionally and physically if i start to rage.
So and and my partner had an argument and he pretty much made me feel worse, not that it was his fault, i was already feeling like shit.
Had my psyc appointment this moring went there, she pretty much told me to do some excerscises which i pointed out i already do.... (already been through this shit loing enuff to do the simple shit, but it hasnt helped)... anyways, i'm starting to wonder what the hell i'm looking for other then help. I think i just want a quick fix without me having to work for it, me working for it = a longer more painfull process then supressing my shit and just dealing with it myself without afecting anyone else hopefully.
So ive been looking through this book she gave me to work through.... redirect this, redirect that.... what happens when i need to redirect what i redirected to in the 1st place? do i then redirect that until i get to the end of redirecting everything and hope ill be right?
All i want right now is simple.... i want to be alone, i dont want others like my parents or friends to even acknowledge my existance, i want them to see me as fine, everythings great, i dont need them worrying.
I want and need, to just get away for a bit, be on my own, listen to music and drink, just for 2 or so days.... just to get away completely from everything, then it will just be me and my brain.
I always say how i dont want to be like this, and i want to get better, but when i think about it, i dont, i like the feeling of complete pitty, i like the anger i feel towards myself and i like fueling my anger and depression so i feel like shit even more.... pretty much its a way to punish myself, who knows why i feel i need to do this, but it gives me some comfort in a way.
i guess its because i'm so use to these feelings, when i lose them to being happy and energetic i seem to forget the "real" me which is this.... depressed and angry.
I want to stay fucked forever, in this hole of a place i like to call my life, i want to be stuck in a deep dark hole and i dont want to see the light.
its the light that makes me coonfused and want help, i dont want it, if i can accept this then it will be all good, i can be alone i can drink i can sit on my own listening to my music getting away from the world.
thats really what i want, i dont want hope, its just causes me to go in circles, i get manic, i think everything great, i come down i want help, i start to receive help, i go down even further, i dont see the point, then i hit bottom, i dont want help i just want to be at the bottom constantly i dont want to come out, i dont want that hope or light, without it it would be so much easier.
i want to be alone, just me and my head, i want ppl to just let me go, i want this hope i have to fade and for that part of me to just give up, stop fighting to be normal... this is my NORMAL, this right here me being alone and appart from the rest of the world, this is ME.