I came out on Monday, though, it isn't what you think. I came out in an online game, to someone who I don't really know. This person, L., I trusted because he/she had conferred details about his/her life that really touched me, and I couldn't go on deceiving this person, or anyone else...so I thought. This person, above all, however, I thought would understand the gender confusion as I explained it, and he/she did. After telling him/her that I had been roleplaying a female because I had been suicidal in April, because I felt nothing was left, and it felt more natural, this person responded by saying, "I still think of you as a girl." and I wanted to cry. Why did I want to cry? I have no idea? The same thing happened when I told this to my other friend when she visited me over the weekend. Does this make me transgendered, queer, or just silly? I have no idea, but I am glad there are people in the world who don't reject me for doing things that are deceptive...but it is through technology that I have the ability to engage in this, I suppose. Moving on...
Today, well, the past few days, or week, I've been drinking entirely too much. It has recently, been affecting my mood; I am noticing it. The way alcohol sucks drive out of a person is very, very powerful, and I hate it. What's more scary is the way it brings itself into my life. My thinking is not perfect by any means--something I think black and white, and see only a life of drunkeness or total sobriety. I pine for moderation however. Logic tells me, based on experience, this desire is not possible without practise, so why do I keep drinking? I hate my habits, I really do. I cannot continue this way without hurting my body and those around me. But what will it take to make me just STOP? I want freedom from this because life without it would mean a life without the hazy thinking, stumbling, etc...
Graduate school classes begin on June 8th, and I am so worried I will do terrible. I need to maintain a B average to keep my funding, and I need to attend all my classes. I will need to be sober for June. I know this. I know I will need to really focus on school for that month, but I am frightened again by the prospect of failure. I want to ask someone like my kung-fu teacher what he would suggest, though I won't see him until classes start. I want to tell him, though I haven't seem him in over a year, that I have an alcohol problem, a serious number of other problems, and I want to live a healthy life, a life like he lives, something graceful and mindful. I want to throw this glass of riesling against the wall, I do, but I won't because I want to drink it...
-Mt
Today, well, the past few days, or week, I've been drinking entirely too much. It has recently, been affecting my mood; I am noticing it. The way alcohol sucks drive out of a person is very, very powerful, and I hate it. What's more scary is the way it brings itself into my life. My thinking is not perfect by any means--something I think black and white, and see only a life of drunkeness or total sobriety. I pine for moderation however. Logic tells me, based on experience, this desire is not possible without practise, so why do I keep drinking? I hate my habits, I really do. I cannot continue this way without hurting my body and those around me. But what will it take to make me just STOP? I want freedom from this because life without it would mean a life without the hazy thinking, stumbling, etc...
Graduate school classes begin on June 8th, and I am so worried I will do terrible. I need to maintain a B average to keep my funding, and I need to attend all my classes. I will need to be sober for June. I know this. I know I will need to really focus on school for that month, but I am frightened again by the prospect of failure. I want to ask someone like my kung-fu teacher what he would suggest, though I won't see him until classes start. I want to tell him, though I haven't seem him in over a year, that I have an alcohol problem, a serious number of other problems, and I want to live a healthy life, a life like he lives, something graceful and mindful. I want to throw this glass of riesling against the wall, I do, but I won't because I want to drink it...
-Mt