Things have been manic here this week (no pun intended). When I wrote the last post, I intended to kill myself, I am sorry – I wasn’t trying to lie to you all but I didn’t want people to worry when you didn’t hear from me and thought it was kinder to think I had walked off into the sunset.
Anyhow what really happened About 9pm I went out I drove up to a secluded spot and sat and wrote out the letters. I had decided on a two pronged approach to killing myself. The plan was and always is to jump from bridge into river. But this has failed before due to getting picked up and others getting me help and in part my own hesitation. So I decided if I took a large overdose and then tried to kill myself then if the jumping failed or I got picked up I would still die. So I decided upon Lithium. I had googled and found out that 5g was lithium was a toxic/lethal dose(this was wrong but was what it said) So I took this 5g and then I walked to the river. I was scared because I didn’t want to die, but I know I had to because I was evil and I had to be absolved from this by dying, dying on shrove Tuesday, on the 8th. I got scared a little and I rang crisis, but then put phone down, and got nearer river. They kept ringing I eventually picked up to them and she asked what going off told her I didn’t want saving but was scared, as much as I knew I had to die I was scared. She said I had a choice. It was always my choice. She said I had to come to A& E I refused and hung up.
Anyhow next min police came, they took me to hospital. When I was in hospital I was taken to bed and I don’t remember guess they took blood?? But I didn’t want treatment want to die. So after 4 hours I left and went home. Hour later police came to my home, saying they going to put me on 136 and had to go back. I said, ah ha 136- I don’t think so I have law degree and specialised in medical law 136- Is public place, now 135 possibly but I would have to lack capacity – I don’t. He reluctantly agreed and left. Crisis rang me telling me I had to go I was in urgent need of treatment. I said I would be fine, Scott had told me I had failed. She said if I didn’t go she was arranging urgent assessment as I lacked capacity. Hour later she rang to speak to my husband and persuade him. He then told me he would agree to a Section. 3 if I didn’t go. So I rang back and agreed, and an ambulance came for me I got back and I was put on code red, I had security guard with me in arms reach all times. And I was put on a holding section. I had bloods taken and was taken to a medical ward. A few hours later it came back my bloods were fine. Only 1.2 which is fairly ok. I had failed, 5g clearly not toxic for me , or the Lithium was partly placebo?? I had to wait an hour or so and someone from Crisis and an AMHP saw me. I explained why I wanted to die , that I was responsible for the Christchurch earthquake etc. and I had to die and still wanted to die. They told me it was my choice, and I didnt have to die and they let me go Wednesday lunchtime telling me to wait and see Prof Fri afternoon. But no follow up.
Anyhow I got home I slept a few hours as hadn’t slept in long time. Then later that evening, I took some more Lithium only 2grams and then Thursday morning another 2grams. I wanted to take it in bits because I had been sick a lot after first OD and so hadn’t kept it in system. I couldn’t do part 2 (jump) because it was day and I had husband keeping me at home. Anyhow by Thursday afternoon I felt pretty ill and it suddenly dawned on me that rather than dying I could end up with kidney failure. To be evil, have these thoughts and be on dialysis was surely worse, so I went to GP, Who said it was my doing and he would check in 5 days if I had damage. I spoke to mum who said this was wrong, and then I spoke to crisis who advised me to go A&E. I wasn’t sure but I decided would only be an hour blood test so went.
I went A&E and checked in. I was immediately put with security guard on red again. I had blood test taken. After 4 hours came back and told me Crisis wouldn’t come see me as I wasn’t a straight forward case. So I would have to go to med ward (was about midnight) and see a shrink in morning. She then released that bloods were 1.4 which was toxic (slightly) and so she said needed to stay for that. I got scared thinking going to be sectioned so tried to leave. More security , lots of nurses, forced me into chair, wheeled me onto ward where I was put on a holding section again.
By morning had another blood test and Lithium level back to 1.1. No sign of crisis. I told them I wanted to see my own shrink, prof as I had appointment at 1pm at hospital anyhow. I spoke DPM who was concerned about 'my thoughts' said she would speak to Prof. she came back said I had to make appointment but let me go.
I had 15 minutes. I had already been in hospital for 17 hours and I had no clothes .toiletries so I smelled really bad. I got to see Prof who told me that I needed to be inpatient. Risks to high and I would be dead soon and although he hated hospital he could see no other way. I refused. He said he would push for a section 3, and he would be at assessment and make sure I was admitted.
I had to wait a couple of hours for an AMHP and another shrink. Turns out shrink was one from inpatient who was my consultant for 3 months. The Amhp was my current CC supervisor and had assessed me before. (MHA 1). And so I had MHA assessment number 11. I wonder what Guiness record is.?
Result is Prof really wanted a section 3 but I managed to persuade other shrink I would take meds at home. So as compromise Prof signed his paper and I am to have crisis come very night 7.30pm to watch me take Valproate and Lamotrigine and should I fail, or get worse. ...
They can complete paperwork and have me in – in flash (a suspended section so to speak) I guess its better than being in hospital and they gave me a chance considering they could have sectioned me. But I feel like the meds will do me no good – I should be dead. I am evil not ill. I mean on Wednesday I found out I hadn’t taken enough to die and on Thursday the Tsunami happened. Had I done it properly these things could have been avoided. Because of my evil life others have lost their lives. I can’t tell you how bad that feels, and yet if I do anything now and fail, It will be hospital for up to 6 months.