Alright, so I had this thought the other day and then it kept building and I kept watching myself and making a list of things that I do and/or think that are clearly screwed up but that I haven't been able to curb for some reason and it is only getting more intense of these things... so here is my list, and it is admittedly rather embarrassing and whatnot, but I am going to write it all out there for the hell out of and for the sake of being honest, I am going to compile a little list here real quick like...
1. Lately I have been having the eating compulsions where for example, I don't eat because I am afraid of getting fat, and then in the afternoon I decide to have a bowl of cereal, Honey Bunches of Oats, and so I have a bowl, and then another, and another, until I have nearly eaten the whole box and cannot fit another morsel down my throat. And the reason I do this, well I don't totally understand it, but it's like when I go shopping and buy multiples of the same thing, I am paranoid that I will run out, or not get enough, so then I eat eat eat the damn cereal. That and I love the texture of it in my mouth. So I keep eating.
2. In line with #1, is my obsessions I have. Currently with Sharpie markers and post it notes and taking notes for school from my text books and them having to be perfectly orderly and neat and if I scratch one thing out then I have to go back and either perfectly white-out the space (but since Sharpie markers, expecially the super fine point ones I use, don't go well over white-out then I have to make sure there isn't a funny gap in the notes because of the white-out) or re-write the whole note sheet if it looks too stupid. And I use a plethera of different colors Sharpie fine point markers becuase if something is written in all black or all any one color then I can't read it or discriminate between different sections, ideas or thoughts because it is all the same when I look at it, which is why I have been doing EVERYTHING, including my stuff at work, in a freakin rainbow of shit so that I can somewhat pay the frik attention to what I am trying to do. So that's one example... there are more, like my nail polish obsession, or the thing I have with certain things needing to be a certain way, or the need to buy everything in multiples, or the weird ass other things... but this is an overview, not a detailed list so I won't go into that.
3. Let's talk trich. the center back part of my head, know the spot that goes bald on dudes first, well mine is missing a lot of hair. Half the hair that is there is short about 3-4 inches long, because it is shit that has recently grown in as a result of this area being my long term favorite place to pluck. Well that, and along my center part and around the borderline of hair around my face. when running my hands through my hair I can distinctly tell when I get to my favorite "zone" because the shit is thinner there. Thankfully I have a head full of hair, so it isn't too totally obvious that I do it and I keep the existing hair back there teased in such a way to ensure that the underlying deficit is not noticed because that is just straight up embarrassing. My eyelashes used to be full and long, not they are short and sparse because I pick at those fuckers too.
I've mentioned that trich before. Now here is the new one that I refuse to tell anyone about because it is embarrassing and stupid and well, stupid. I get ingrown hairs in the bikini region. And when this happens, I go on a full scale war with a needle and tweezers to pull those bastards out. I usually end of making more of a mess of my skin by the attack on the hairs than the ingrown hairs actually caused in the first place. Okay... I know I make more of a mess. And if I think there is an ingrown hair, well Mr. Needle and I go on an exploration of things, and I poke that guy into my skin and fish around trying to hook and catch the hair. Many times I am right, and I find the rebel hair (I get excited when it's a real long one that was trying to hide from me) and pluck it out. Other times I keep fishing with the needle and tweezers and never find a hair. Then I've made a mess of my skin, and for nothing because I did not find that damn hair I swear is there so then I continue this exploration the next day until I find A hair, regardless of if it is the first one I started with or not. This is retarded. I know. And I'm noticing little scars forming from when I have had my "explorations" and so I have bought some of that Mederma scar lotion crap. Because while I am STD free, the scars look like... old sores or something from being infected with something nasty. Which hasn't happened, so then I feel gross for no reason. Then there is also the picking of scabs, any scab, on my body. I LOVE picking those bastards off. They are evil, and need to be removed.
4. Well since we are on the nasty things, let's move on the the laxitive abuse issue I have. It started a while ago, when I had the runs for a bit, and then when things firmed up I felt too "full" and bloated and didn't like that so then I would take the "poop pills" (PP) to empty things out and while I have cut back a lot on the taking of the PP I still do, every other day or so, and so I looked into this online and apparently excessive use of this shit will render your system depdent on them for proper excretion and that's pretty much where my gut is now and so I try to stop taking them all together and let my system reboot itself but after a day or so of not pooping I feel it all inside of me sitting there and taking up space and I try to ignore it and lets things reset themselves but within 48 hours I'm throwing down another PP to get this shit out of me (literally shit, hahahaha). I can't stand the feeling, it freaks me out, I get scared it's making me fatter, and I have to eliminate it. I carry PP in my purse just in case I need one while I am out because the feeling gets to be too much, and just like with the 9 packs of Listerine strips I have in my purse and backpack, I am terrified I am going to run out of them, so I have several of those blister packs in my bathroom, purse, backpack, etc. When I see them all in my bathroom drawer it gives me such a lovely and peaceful feeling knowing that I won't run out and I get so happy seeing them all there.
5. One last nasty thing that I never tell people... I have issues caring for myself, as in showering and brushing my teeth. Don't do it nearly as often as I should, because it is too much, and so I sit and online shop instead. I'm a nasty idiot. During the weekends (if I don't have school or work, like this weekend, I took off from work) I will remain in the same flannel bottoms and sweatshirt all weekend, Fri-Monday morning, without showering, changing, nothing. My teeth get actually brushed maybe three times a week (although this week I have been better about it) and then several other times I will quickly run the brush over them without toothpaste and only briefly (20 seconds or less) just enough to get the visible shit off. I am nasty. I hate admitting it. I know it's gross. Yet taking my clothes off and getting into the shower... bleh. Too much, don't have the patience for it. Don't have the _______________ for it.
6. There is also the drugs, the prescribed ones (not the illegal kind) to get me up and going when the Lamictal has me down, or the ativan to chill me out, or the this or the that or my favorite, the vicodin/percocet group. YUMMY. So I take uppers in the morning to get my ass going, or I may skip that, and then some nights I take the downers (ativan) to sleep, and during the day I may have some hydrocodone for funsies to chill things out and give me the utterly relaxing feelings of euphoria, etc. I realize I abuse drugs, although am not addicted. Thankfully. But I do recognize that my off label use, especially of the vicodin and friends, is not a good thing. And yet I don't stop. In fact with my vicodin running shockingly low, I find myself a bit panicked about where/how to get more. What if I am freaking out and need it and then I don't have any more??? I will have to take ativan but that makes me too sleepy and the V only makes me stoned and happy and the A makes me brain stop working and I become incredibly dumb, but then... ...you get the idea.
7. I have been having this totally cool euphoria thing going on too, where out of the blue I will feel like I am high/stoned on the vicodins, I have the EXACT same feeling in my head of the giddy happiness and what not, and it is so similar to the actual feeling of taking the drugs that I sit there and think back throughout the day trying to remember if I did take the pills or not... and then when I realize I didn't, it's so weird... I have the exact same high, but without taking anything. Pretty neat, but I don't think totally a normal thing...
8. A really annoying part to all of this is when I am in social situations and my mouth starts flying about a mile a minute and shit comes out that is hella dumb and pointless to say. I get so angry with myself for not just shutting up. In class this semester I find myself cracking jokes way too much and not being able to shut my trap. During lab meetings, man it is hard to keep silent. The prof says something, I can think of something funny, I say it, half the time I am too fast in my speech for the person to understand, the other half it must actually be funny because other people laugh. Or I'm so stupid they feel bad for me... who knows. At work I have the same affliction, walking around talking and being stupid. I say dumb things, I excite and get loud too easily, and I generally just straight up talk too much and the smart part of me sees this and tries to shut myself up but it doesn't work and then I just get pissed at myself for being such a social moron.
Well I'm done typing out the things I hate and/or am embarrassed about. So this list is done for now.