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Can You Win If They Can’t?

Posted Sep 10 2013 12:00am

The first thing I’d like to say pertaining to the title, is about me posting FOREVER for SO LONG about being sick.  And within those posts, the never ending apologies of getting back to people that are stuck in a car crash that almost parallels how sick I have been.

Write, what you know, post whatever you want, spew shit all over your blog because that’s what it’s for etc…  Oh, yes.  We all try to console ourselves with that bullshit–until the next time.

This was meant to be a post on its own, as I have no clue who reads me anymore (i.e. people I’ve known forever) and new people, and those who have left comments and you know what…? FUCK IT ALL TO HELL!!! 

I am NOT saying I am SORRY anymore.  Or maybe I WILL CONTINUE to say I’M SORRY.  If you can’t deal with that, there’s the door.  If I lose everyone who reads me? GREAT! If you could look into my eyes right now, do you know what you’d see? I.DON’T.CARE.  

This is just a stupid blog.

Continuing…

Yet, not before I have a cigarette, listen to more Junior Boys, as this is more complicated–yet still pertaining to the title?

Alright.  You might have read that I’m going through a pretty heavy duty med change.  But I’m seeing changes that it’s working! Fuck! I might have some chance of me getting better after a little over two years OF GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING HELL LICK MY SHIT COVERED ASS SINCE I LOST MY CLOBAZAM!!!

What irony at this point. *hangs head*

A bit of a problem.  No titrations.  I yanked back to my original dose because I was so out of mind.  But because I was so out of my mind, I threw myself backward into insanity by not doing 

Where I’m heading with this is all the while, is I completely bulldozed a person I loved and cared about so much.  I hurt them (I wish not) irreparably.  No, I went crazy and did things I had never done to anyone else, things I couldn’t comprehend I’d I do to someone else.   Things I would NEVER do to anyone ever!

I strongly suspect that the relationship is over.  Or eventually will be.  I’ve been in this place before.  One almost like a mirror.  The others I know were similar, where I had no clue how insanely I was acting.  No clue at all.  Yet, I did realize it later.  Years later.

I must give this person credit for telling it like it is though.  All of the others (lest the “mirror”) just vanished.  It takes A LOT to be able to tell someone you’re driving (or have driven) them over the edge! Therefore,  Only the “mirror” and this person have done it.  It’s far to easier to just vanish–as all the others did.

After reading this, you might want to have a listen to “So This Is Goodbye” by the Junior Boys.  It took me so long to listen to it and feel it after the “mirror” disappeared.  Now? This other person might be listening to it right now.  Even if they don’t know the song.

I could be a real bitch with a capital “CU,,,” and listen to “The Equalizer” but that’s not my style.  No way.

So sad.  A med change.  Because I flipped my shit all over in so many ways–even to the point of bringing out so many more of my other diagnoses as well.

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