I'm at at wits end and it may sound harsh for what I'm about to say. But, I need to journal so that I can free myself from the pain I feel.
My mom is giving up on herself. I'm trying to maintain my sanity to convince her she'll be okay. She just needs to take her medication and stop drinking the wine. My mom has bipolar as well as Dementia. She also has Vertigo and bad knees. I love her and I feel for her, but you just don't lay down and die. I almost did that once 10 years ago when I tried to commit suicide myself. I had a God Intervention that saved my life then and my life today. I just hope my mom can find the peace.. I'm afraid that one night she might take too many pills and not wake up. That's my fear every all the time.
Lately, she hasn't felt good about herself. She hates her hair, stopped eating - she wants to lose wait. She lives on chips and hot dogs. Dad lives on TV dinners. Both of them hate being 83 so she goes and gets her hair colored and permed. "That Old white hair is gone!" But the high didn't last long. Note: Her Bipolar is mainly depression and she will go into mania for a short time.
I asked her what the problem was. She just said she was tired, tired, tired. Tired of being in pain and tired of being alone. "My son doesn't come see me, my grandchildren never call and come see me.. She said that know one loves me or care. No one calls to see how I'm doing. I really don't blame her for this, because it makes me made. Why do these grandchildren and son not have time for their parents or grandparents.
Mom doesn't go anywhere except out to eat. It seems when she is out eating she doesn't complain, she walks good and is happy. The minute we get home she starts in on her pains, starts limping around, then gets back in bed. The other day I told her this makes me sad & that she is sleeping her life away. 'I'm sorry, "but, I just don't care what other people think. I'm tired of being here - all I do is sit in this chair. She never puts regular clothes on she wears these shabby house dresses.
It upsets me that she wants to leave us the people who love her. I now know how they felt when I was in rehab considering my faith. I've been living here for a year and I've watched her get gradually worse. The most part, none of the family including her son and grandchildren come to see her or dad.
I keep telling myself that I need to go and make a life for myself. Move to Wilmington, NC to be close to my son and my grandchildren. I've been looking, but have not found a place yet.
However, I have a problem. I'm afraid to leave.Who will take care of my parents if I leave? My brother doesn't have time. It's almost a full time job. You have to make sure their medicines are filled and to make sure they take them. Mom, stop taking her pills for a while. The bottles were empty and didn't tell me so she didn't take them. My brother and I have discussed the thought of getting someone to come and stay in the home with mom and dad. Dad would love to have some one that will cook. Mom, stopped cooking so all he eats is TV Dinners. There's the grocery shopping, going to the drug store, errands, errands, errands. It's been a full time job. Then there's the fear that dad will walk in my room and say, "I guess I better go to the hospital. This has happen on several occasions. Mom, got cock-eyed from drinking her wine, bent down to pick something up and kept going. Mom broke her finger. I thought we were ever going to get her off the floor..
Over a year ago, I moved in with my parents after dad's near drastic accident where we almost lost him. I knew they would not be able to take care of each other. Dad needed constant therapy and mom needed support. She cried a lot. When I move I gave up everything including my job, broke my lease, sold all my furniture - I couldn't carry anything heavy. I had to do it all myself because I had no help. I was down in my back for a long time and spasms today.
The question I have is what do I do about this? Do we start thinking about putting mom in a home rehab and counseling for her bipolar? She takes Paxil, but that doesn't seem to help. She also takes Aricept for her memory. What do I do for myself. I have bipolar and early stages of dementia. Do I move and get a life for myself. I'm just so confused.
When life get better. I'm trying to see the rainbow.
This may sound a little bit cold and selfish, but mom and dad are 85. Donn't you think maybe they might be happier and better taken care of if they were in a home with people their own age. You mom is always complaining about being lonely, well someone will always be around close to her own age. Personally, I think they would both be better off.
And you! It's time you started thinking about your life. You donn't want your grandson to grow up and you miss out on it. Move down close to your son and all of you can visit on weekends. Donn't take a guilt trip either, these homes are better equiped to take care of your parents, and at 49, I have long ago decided that I would rather be with peers my own age and let my children go about their own lives.