I seem to be on a constant pity party with myself. I actually think I'm reaching out for attention. I'll lie sometimes like I fell and hurt my back, or, I got sick and had to go to the hospital! I know my son gets upset with this and worries about me. It does, however, wake him up. The sad thing is I can't seem to control what's coming out of mouth! I can't keep friends - I might say something wrong or I imagine they say something wrong and I will ask them, "Did I offend you?" These are people that know I have bipolar so tell themselves, "She's crazy!"
I really feel like I'm talking in circles here so please forgive me.
Last night, I talked to my son and did it again. I told him I was lonely, felt abandoned and didn't feel loved. I also told him that I felt like I was pushing him away with all this bipolar ranting. He said, "No Mom, I'm your son." I don't want him to see me as a crazy person, but a loving mom who loves him very much. I hear myself saying "I'll just go back home that way I want bother him and his life will go back to normal."
When I got here I had to ask him to take me on errand's since I didn't have a car. I could hear resistance in his voice. He told me that coming there has change their lives, but I hear disrupt their lives.
I don't want to hurt my son or make him feel responsible for me - that's a big burden. However, I would like more mom and son contact. We hardly do things together and before he got married we did a lot together. My son left at 18 years old to go into the army for 7 years - he's my only son. I felt so alone and abandoned that I went into deep depression. Now, I want to make up those years. I just have to realize I can't make this happen. Just accept life as it is. I want to get better and be normal, but will I?