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Bipolar: The Ups and Downs

Posted Jul 26 2011 6:19am

When things get out of control and the road seems to get longer I feel like following the path until I drop off.  I feel that no one would really miss me. They have their life and family - I don't have anything. I do have a nice place by the river, but it's sad to share it alone.  I don't have a car so I travel by bus or taxi. I'm in my small little world and it's very lonely.

I don't know from day to day who I'll be or how I'll feel and the next day may be very different.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I started the day getting up and fixing coffee then crawling back in bed.  I felt numb not sure what to do today.  I had no plans but to sit around and watch another round of "Without a Trace."
It's crazy! One day I'm okay the way my life another day I could be a totally different person. I try to get involve with hobbies like crocheting, photography, painting, gardening, or reading.  Instead I just stare at the TV - I don't even know what's on.  There are times I feel really lost and wonder what I am doing on this planet.  I feel more comfortable around people of my own kind and not the sane people.  They call me insane.

I wanted to stop what I was feeling - depressed.  I didn't have any alcohol so I took my anxiety pills- Lorespam and when they took effect I poured myself a class wine.  Was I subconsciously and hoping I wouldn't wake up.  I didn't even drink the glass of wine - I went to sleep.  I woke up this morning at 4:30am on the couch to another day.  What will this day be?  I feel like should go to my therapist.

I'm so tired of having Bipolar - one day your depressed or suicidal and the next your just fine and can go and rule the world.  I'm so tired of that.  I've been doing this for 45 years.  A lot of pain goes with those years. Will it ever end.  Will the pills ever work?
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