It is a good day. It is a good day. It is a good day… Maybe if I say it enough times, I’ll believe it! No, it really is a good day, because any day without an episode is a good day, but I just feel a little down today. Do you know, I actually had to decide whether to write about this or not? I still have that smidgeon of pride left in me, that seeking for perfection, that drives me to want to keep things sugar-coated so you wouldn’t know I ever got depressed. Bunk! If I’m one thing, it’s honest. And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been stable, you can still get depressed.
Ok, so I’m a little depressed today. I can find no cause for it, so I must assume it’s just the dragon lifting its head and making its presence known. Or the fact that I’m tired. That’s the truth. Did you know that fatigue and depression can mimic each other?
It’s ok if I have a bad bipolar day. That’s what I tell myself – actually give myself permission to have a bad bipolar day and take it easy, reducing that need for perfection. I’m only human, and a human with bipolar disorder at that. It’s ok if I’m not perfect, and it’s ok to have a bad bipolar day. I wasn’t depressed yesterday or the day before, and I most likely won’t be depressed tomorrow (I pray).
How do I know? Because I watch my trends, my mood patterns. And I have no other symptoms of depression except that I’m tired. And, like I said, bipolar depression and fatigue can be confused. In fact, fatigue is one symptom of a bipolar depression. But can you have one without the other? You sure can. I can be tired today, but not be depressed. Not bipolar depressed, anyway.
I’d say it’s that I’m snowed in, but I like being snowed in. There wasn’t anywhere I wanted to go today anyway. And it looks so pretty from the inside out – from my nice, warm, home. I did go “scrunch the snow” in my new (Christmas present) boots to check the mail, so I did get some fresh air. So that’s a good sign, that I went outside.
Like I said, I have no other symptoms of a bipolar depression than the fact that I’m tired. I don’t take naps during the day, though, as someone else might do or suggest for me to do, because I already have enough trouble getting to sleep at night. Once I’m asleep, I stay asleep (even if a bomb were to go off!), but it’s the getting there that’s the problem. I even take medication for it. Some nights it doesn’t work, like last night, so I drink herbal tea. Then I try again. Melatonin helps as well.
So I’ll just go to bed early tonight, and that should take care of it! Here’s to a better tomorrow…