I have been diagnosised as bipolar for 5 yrs. I was taking care of my mother before her death and we had been estranged for 18yrs. While taking care of her, I began having memories of an abusive childhood and after her death I had a breakdow and wound up in the hospital. Since then I have became emotionally numb, it's like I am in a room with no windows. Nobody can reach me and I cann't get out. Add that to the bi-polar di-order and my life is meaningless. I cann't stand the thought of anyone touching or coming near me and I haven't had sex with my husband for 3 yrs. I stand to loose everything, but there is nothing I can do about it. I am so different from the loving, outgoing person I used to be. Does anybody else feel like there is a stranger inside their body? I take my meds. regularly, but the wall wonn't go away.
My words come out wrong sometimes, my brain seams confused. This illness is still showing some forms of territory that I have not traveled. Some days life has absolutely no meaning. I ask myself over and over, "Is there any point in living if this is how I will have to spend the rest of my life?" I want to reach out, to be normal, but I no longer know what normal is. Was I ever normal? I was happy, I could feel all the emotions- anger, sadness, happiness, joy. I could reach out and show love and feel love. Now if I do feel anything it is buried so deep inside of me, I fear it will never appear. Is there any point of living like this?