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bi-polar and no lack of feeling

Posted Feb 14 2010 2:47pm 1 Comment
I have been diagnosised as bipolar for 5 yrs.   I was taking care of my mother before her death and we had been estranged for 18yrs.  While taking care of her, I began having memories of an abusive childhood and after her death I had a breakdow and wound up in the hospital.  Since then I have became emotionally numb, it's like I am in a room with no windows.  Nobody can reach me and I cann't get out.  Add that to the bi-polar di-order and my life is meaningless.  I cann't stand the thought of anyone touching or coming near me and I haven't had sex with my husband for 3 yrs.  I stand to loose everything, but there is nothing I can do about it.  I am so different from the loving, outgoing person I used to be.  Does anybody else feel like there is a stranger inside their body?  I take my meds. regularly, but the wall wonn't go away.
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My words come out wrong sometimes, my brain seams confused.  This illness is still showing some forms of territory that I have not traveled.  Some days life has absolutely no meaning.  I ask myself over and over, "Is there any point in living if this is how I will have to spend the rest of my life?"  I want to reach out, to be normal, but I no longer know what normal is.  Was I ever normal?  I was happy, I could feel all the emotions- anger, sadness, happiness, joy.  I could reach out and show love and feel love.  Now if I do feel anything it is buried so deep inside of me, I fear it will never appear.  Is there any point of living like this?
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