I saw my therapist on Friday, which was pretty cool. So I did get to tell her how well things are going. And tomorrow I go back to work.
My last day at work was just before Christmas, so it’s now been a year an eleven months since I worked. And I’m going back to work tomorrow. How do I feel about it? Quite excited, maybe a little nervous, confident that I can handle it, looking forward to being around people and earning money again. I’ll be able to put money away for the future. This time around work isn’t just about keeping myself alive, it’s part of a much larger plan to get exactly what I want out of life. It’s about being able to work and being able to work towards something.
It’s a week of milestones, actually. I finished my regular dental treatment this week (it was fairly minor work so I did it without anaesthetic) and get my wisdom tooth out on Friday. This should be the last of the dental work, (assuming they don’t make a hole in my sinuses; the root is close to them apparently, so if they do, I’ll need another operation to close it up). The dental stuff means a lot to me as well. Before I decided to find a dentist earlier this year it had been maybe a decade since I’d been. And in the last five years I’d had two teeth removed, and the rest of them weren’t in great condition. Depression makes it hard to remember to brush your teeth, or get dental check-ups.
To be at the point where I can just get regular check-ups every six months is awesome. It’s completely smashed one of the patterns of behaviour that my therapist and I spent so long working out. I’d neglect things until they became overwhelming. And then I’d pretend that it wasn’t happening, which would let me avoid dealing with them. Because to seek help for them would be admitting that I couldn’t cope and admitting that would make me feel intensely ashamed. People might even feel sorry for me, which would make me feel horribly vulnerable. And with the teeth, I broke out of that pattern by seeking help (from the dentist) and dealing with the feelings of shame that this caused (by telling myself that I don’t have to feel ashamed for things that I couldn’t control) and it really worked. It’s important for me to note these things so that I can remember for the next time something seems overwhelming.
(Also, dinner tonight was really, really tasty and I want to remember what I put in it. So here it is: 3 potatoes, 1 small onion, half a swede, 2 big carrots, 3 rashers of bacon, 1 pack stewing steak. Chop everything up; add salt, pepper, pinch of cumin, paprika, splash of olive oil, 3/4 pint vegetable gravy, plenty of tomato puree. 5 hours in slow cooker. makes about 3 servings.)