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A Personal Account of PTSD and Dissociation

Posted May 25 2012 12:00am

I wrote this when I was actively dissociating not long ago.  Or rather, why don’t you tell me what you think I was doing! There are a few, other small “factors” where some might jump up and say, “That’s it! That’s why!” Nope.  *shakes head*

I’ll let the words speak for themselves, and I’ll let my own experience speak for me.

I have left everything unedited, exactly as I wrote it.  However, I have added some paragraph spacing wherever possible so it’s easier to read.  It was written in one big “chunk.”

And speaking of “chunks?” I have no idea how long this lasted.  My DP/DR (dissociation etc.) for my epilepsy is markedly different from that of my PTSD and Dissociative Amnesia issues.

Am I dissociating? Was fine earlier when pint was inch fuller and hadn’t touched it.  The grief stuff triggered it later? TASE? No cognitive impairment as reading and doing the grief work.  -  But could be hitting as eyes blurry = TASE.  But gone.  And not drunk gone did take x gravol after first pint. 

Can’t get grip on “now.”  The present.  Where I am relative to time but more space and awareness.  I’m not in the present, somehow.  I’m not where I am period.  Lost in my own environment.  I cannot connect with it, but I can talk, interact with people.  I can’t hold onto or even find where I presently am. 

I cognitively (know physically, visually) where I am but I can’t “feel” it.  My brain takes me away from it to a place where I don’t even know.  No matter hard with what awareness I have, I try to bring myself back to I “know” where I am but I can’t do it.  I’m outside of me and I can’t reach me. 

I’m in two places at the same time but I can only, barely hang on to that “physical” environment.  What I see, even some cognitive as I come here all the time, I know the the geography.  Things like that, but even those pieces in my brain are weak.  It won’t stop and I don’t even know how long I’ve been feeling like I can’t reach myself, how long it’s been going on. 

When will I come back.  Soon I hope.  This feeling (or even non-feeling) is too much to bear.  Amazing to write this as brain has almost stopped completely and body almost paralytic.

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