Yep. That's me folks. I can be a hard core bad-to-the-bone bitch that won't cry over jack. Then later in the same day, I cry thinking about the movie, P.S. I Love You. I mean cry, as in a sobbing event. Go figure.
Well this shit is back in force! It's driving my a but nutty.
In general, this little phase I have been in, what with the depressed and sad and crying and teary shit, combined with the lack of any motivation or concern for school is *really* getting old.
I'm very frustrated!
And as any good jackass, I've been working more and more on that graphic design shit. What a WONDERFUL use of my time. Such a productive little obsession... yeah, right.
I won't say that I hate myself or I hate my life, that is silly and extreme. But I will say that I hate this current state of affairs.
I also hate that I can be like I am right now, so damn unhappy and sad and "miserable" and shit. And then I can spend two minutes talking to someone at work, smile, be a cheerful little broad, and then within another five minutes go back to the shit.
I'm tired. Cranky. Lonely (but not lonely at all). Bored (but not bored at all). Frustrated. Pissed. Misanthropic. Unhappy with shit for no particular reason.
This health bull-shit isn't helping either. After I eat anything the size of a "meal" (i.e. two small bowls of wheat/oat (not super sugary) cereal, or two chicken drumsticks, or a PBJ sandwich, basically anything more than a single 140 cal granola bar) causes me to pass out. It's a weird, uncontrolled exhaustion that I literally cannot stay awake through.
I have a hard time staying awake in general. I have a terrible time getting up in the morning, my body is so.... unresponsive. It's weird. Almost like it hurts to get up, but it isn't painful. This pisses me off and adds to my bad mood because I feel extra like crap and then am running late, which adds stress to the matter.
Hell, I'll take adderall and have coffee, and this will *barely* phase me. Granted I only take a small does of adderall, 5mg at a time varied between 1 to 4 doses during the hours of 7am - 4pm...but still. I shouldn't need this to stay awake. It's absurd.
I'm exhausted. Going back to bed now.
I'm up at the moment because I have taken four different naps today.
Oh, and the vivid dreams I usually have are now on steroids. I have real dreams, for what seems like all through the night, and they aren't just real as is quality, but they are real as in the context. I will dream about getting ready for work, going to work, going to school, etc. Everything the exact same as if I was really experiencing it in reality. So after I drag my groggy ass out of bed, I then have the challenge for the next hour of sorting out what is real, and what I only experienced in my dreams. It's a giant pain in the ass, and this may sound silly, but I feel like I don't get any rest! It seems like my mind is awake and I am using mental energy for my real and dream "experiences" at all times. Two days ago I had trouble getting up for my alarm. Close to the time I had to leave for work I was in bed and the alarm went off (I have several alarms set because one usually will not be enough). I laid there because I had already gotten up, showered, dressed, ate, and had everything ready to go. When I did get out of bed I was freaking shocked to see that my happy ass had been there all night.... I was not dressed, had definitely not showered, and was pretty hungry. I was also very late to work that day.
I was really pissed when I did got into the bathroom to shower and I *didn't* have three towels hanging in there as I saw last time I was in there. Oh wait... that too was part of the dream! Now I'm late, hungry, smelly, and pissed because I don't have clean towels!!!