After I posted this morning I managed to sleep from about 10am right through until 4pm, so it was a bit of a waste of a day but never the less I got up at 4 feeling less anxious and ever so slightly better. Being ever so slightly better puts me back to being actively suicidal but that is a good thing because I can see I have the choice again and as I feel better I have more energy to think of how and when and where I can end my life. I saw my social worker today and we had a long chat about everything, how my self care has been piss poor lately and how I’ve felt like I’ve just been existing, not living.
I told her how I’ve been back having my morbid fascinations with death again – watching disturbing videos about death and suicide and self harm that’s so severe limbs are almost amputated. That’s about all I’ve had the energy to do, over the past couple of weeks I didn’t even have the energy to think about killing myself. But as I begin to feel better my energy levels are slightly more increased now and I can think about that again.
I cant quite explain my suicidal thoughts. They come so naturally to me that it’s like ‘what will I have for dinner’ – ‘the dogs need a walk’ – ‘maybe I should have a shower’ – ‘maybe I’ll kill myself today’. If you have read my blog for a while then you will know that my last suicide attempt which consisted of a plastic bag round my head and sleeping pills didn’t work too well, it just landed me on a section in hospital. I don’t often make proper attempts at ending my life, there was the time last year when I spent a fortune on injectable medication that I was sure would be lethal and then changed my mind at the last minute. Then there was the plastic bag incident in November when I got sectioned. I talk about suicidal thoughts a lot and I think about various plans of how I would do it. The thoughts just fleet through my mind so naturally, hence the title ‘maybe I won’t kill myself today’ because at the moment it’s as easy as saying ‘maybe I won’t have any dinner tonight’. Does that make sense? I don’t know that it does. Maybe you are reading this and thinking how the hell can this person be so flippant in their attitude towards life. Well I really can’t explain it properly. Walk a mile in my shoes then you might understand.
Anyway, after seeing my social worker I went out to see no longer pregnant friend and the kids. I was only there for 10 minutes when one of her other friends who I don’t really know very well appeared round too. Then some drunken friend of theirs appeared and he was doing my head in. I felt so old compared to the three of them. I guess it was good to be out of the house until 11pm and sitting in their company was so draining I think I might actually sleep tonight.
So maybe I won’t kill myself today… or tomorrow… but I have the choice back again and for that I’m thankful. I know this bullshit isn’t ever going to go away, it’s always going to come back and I’m always going to find myself back in the battles of depression. I am really beginning to hate bipolar disorder, it’s like a fucking boomerang that just keeps coming back and pulling me down when I least expect it. I don’t even get the fucking highs anymore thanks to the lamotrigine – I’m either ok or suicidal or so depressed I don’t give a fuck about eating, showering, getting dressed… nothing. Is just being ok enough to live for? Actually to just feel ok would be pretty damn nice just now.