I saw my CPN today and decided it was time to be honest with her. I’d already told my psychologist about the “substance misuse” but today I just reeled out the list of all the substances I have consumed in the past couple of weeks. She said she was glad that I had been honest with her and asked me if I wanted to be referred to the addictions team. I said no. I don’t have an addiction, I’m just going through a ‘blanking everything out’ phase.
We talked about starting graded exposure work again in the New Year as I really need to do something about it. I was in the car today and there were all these adverts for things like ice skating and a big carnival through in the city about an hour away from me and I would love to go (cos I’m a big kid really!) and I hate that agoraphobia has taken away at least the last six years of going to things like that. I can’t remember the last time I went to a shopping centre or anything, I think it was 2006 and that was during graded exposure work so god knows how long it’s been a part of my mentalness.
CPN asked how I was feeling about Christmas and I told her the truth – that I hate it. Christmas is really for kids and the excitement in their little faces and watching them laugh all day long (then puke from too much chocolate) – and it fucking hurts every single year that I don’t have that. I should have a little boy almost five years old opening presents under a packed tree. I should be leaving a carrot and glass of milk out for Santa. And it hurts to the deepest part of my heart that I don’t have that.
So she said maybe it would be an idea to go straight from my friend’s house on Christmas morning to my parents so I’m constantly in company and don’t have as much time to sit and think and upset myself and no doubt end up in some sort of crisis. Maybe she is right, I’ll see how I feel on the day.
As I was leaving the mental’s building I bumped into my psychologist. Her bump is so big and obvious now I didn’t know where to look. I felt like I was going to be sick as a wave of anxiety went right through me. We had a brief chat and talked about having my next CPA meeting in January. Then I asked to see my social worker for a moment to wish her a happy Christmas.
About half an hour after I got home my buzzer started beeping. I didn’t answer it as I thought it would be my male friend and wasn’t in the mood for company as I still have some sort of stomach bug and am running to the loo every five minutes. Sorry, too much information I know. Anyway, I then hear a walkie-talkie and a person saying “there’s no answer” and look out the window to see two police officers standing outside. So I go into complete panic mode and think that CPN has phoned the police and told them I’ve been misusing substances and sent them to my flat but as it turned out they had the wrong address and were looking for my neighbour.
I have heard people say before that you only feel paranoid if you have something to hide (which is bullshit) but today it definitely applied. I felt panic and guilt and quickly got rid of the tiny bit of cannabis I had at home. I think if I’m completely honest with myself I am developing a bit of a problem; not a physical addiction but a psychological association with smoking a spliff to feel semi-normal. It blanks things out, it makes me feel a little dissociated, it makes my emotions seem less intense and the voices a little quieter.
My moods have been particularly low the past week or so, I’ve had a lot of suicidal thoughts and urges to self harm but have managed to resist them all. Instead I actually listened to what CPN had to say and have decided that my New Year’s resolution is going to be learning helpful behaviours. Getting high isn’t helpful in the long run, I’m intelligent enough to realise that, and I also know that I can’t tell how helpful the Olanzapine actually is whilst I’m smoking it, so maybe it’s time to quit playing about with drugs and make 2012 a turning point.
I want my life back and most importantly my freedom. I want to be able to drive anywhere I desire, go to festivals and concerts again, go through to the city for the day and do some shopping, live a normal-ish life. I have the volunteer support worker training starting in February and I am determined I will get to the location a couple of hours away each weekend and complete the course.
Next year can’t be any worse than this year or last, they say third time lucky so maybe next year is going to be my year of luck. Where they find a good dose of medication for me, where I can stay out of hospital for the year, where I learn to get my life back a bit.
I so want to be positive, I’m trying my hardest but I know it’s going to be a long and scary journey. But it will be worth it in the end, won’t it?