I am feeling very very low right now. I know some of the reasons why I feel this way but others just don’t make sense. Since I last posted:
My Aunt had her huge operation for her ovarian cancer. They did a complete hysterectomy, lymph node removal, appendix removal and a few other parts of tissue. The biopsy came back showing there were still some cells left so she is to have 6 sessions of chemo and then another biopsy done. She is back home at the moment and recovering.
I was due to get a kitten. I have bought everything in that a kitten could need. I was supposed to get her today but the breeder messaged me two days ago to say kitty had stopped feeding and was at the vets. The kitten died last night.
It’s that time of year again when everyone seems to be either falling pregnant or giving birth. I so wish there was some truly magical person out there who would surrogate for me. I’m missing my little one so very much, I wish someone would make my dreams come true.
I finally decided that I felt safe to drive again. My key snapped inside the ignition. It had to be towed several miles to the garage and the parts plus labour are going to cost in excess of £300. I do not have that kind of money and it’s going to take me ages to save it up.
I saw my CPN on Wednesday, we had an OK session. I saw my social worker for a little while afterwards to discuss my housing situation. I then went for lunch with my Mum, it was nice to spend some mother daughter time together. I also saw my GP that afternoon to get my next month of medication sorted out.
I have started the enrolment process to start college in early September to do a course in child and youth studies, it’s mainly done at home so I don’t need to attend the college very much at all.
I had a huge falling out with male friend as we were supposed to be going to a live comedy show together and then he decided to sell his ticket, leaving me to go alone. I asked him to sell it to me so I could at least take a friend and he made me pay 3 times what it cost. His other friend was extremely rude to me, swearing at me for no real reason and then spent the remainder of the day sending me threatening text messages. I got the ticket back in the end and told the pair of them not to ever contact me again. All I’ve done is be a good friend to them and they repay me like that. They can fuck off. They’ve shown their true colours now.
Tonight I really wanted to go out but have hardly any money left and have to survive on it for almost a fortnight so everyone is out having a good time and I’m stuck indoors with my mood sinking lower and lower.
Everything just feels shit tonight. I have had a couple of handfuls of medication with the hope they will knock me out but they are just making me feel more and more alone. I genuinely got rid of all my blades, I got rid of the Tramadol that were in the cupboard, I still have almost 100 paracetamol and my week’s supply of Quetiapine, Citalopram and Diazepam. I’ve taken more than my daily allowance of Diazepam. I’ve taken my normal meds. And I’ve been an idiot and got a couple of strips of 7.5mg Zopiclones off a friend which I’ve just had 5 of.
I just want to block out all emotions. I want to sleep. I want all my bad luck to go away. I want to feel better again.
5 x 7.5mg Zopiclone
Is ANYTHING else going to just knock me out? Do I need to take the remaining 9 Zopiclone I have? The remaining 50 or 60mg of Diazepam? The 3 boxes of 32 each paracetamol?
Oh fuck it, I took the 50mg Diazepam and another 5 Zopiclone. And it still hasn’t stopped. Really don’t want to take the paracetamol, I want a deep sleep not to end up on the liver transplant list.
Arghhh….What the FUCK will make it all just STOP???
Update: It is now the morning after the night before. 09:36 on Sunday morning. Last night I was extremely stupid and took a total of 10 x 7.5mg Zopiclone, around 80mg of Diazepam and my normal medication as well. I don’t look at it as any kind of overdose, it was me abusing medication. I have been on high doses of various medications for a number of years and I felt I should write an update here to say how stupid of me it was. If someone else took that amount of medication and had never taken it before it could have really hurt them. I am feeling very regretful of what I done this morning, yes I had a good 11 hour sleep and yes I feel a bit more positive this morning but what I did last night wasn’t the right way to achieve it. Maybe the only positive to come out of it is that now I truly only have the last of my proper prescribed medication and no other shit lying around.
My CPN is now on holiday for a few weeks, I don’t see her again until July 25th which seems like AGES away. I hate using the ‘duty system’ at the mental health team and seeing some random stranger so for the next few weeks I have to stay strong and remember my social worker is still there if I continue to feel my mood slip. Hopefully I will have some contact with her in this coming week even if it’s just a telephone call as we are still dealing with my ongoing housing situation.
Anyway – onwards and upwards right? Learn from your mistakes and all that jazz?