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17:18 – Getting drunk, high, new laptop and psychiatrist tomorrow

Posted Aug 02 2011 12:19pm

I got my new laptop on Friday and did intend to write a post then but I guess I forgot. It’s nice (the laptop that is) and I’m getting the hang of Windows 7 now. I still feel incredibly guilty for buying it but I was feeling really lost without one and then once I got it I was much less interested in it than I thought I would be. So it’s pretty much just sat on the table with me looking at it and ignoring it.

I finally phoned no longer pregnant friend after two weeks of not seeing her and we went out on Saturday night for some drinks. We were pretty drunk by the time we left mine, so as you can imagine it was ‘one of those nights’ – in a good way though. We went for a little pub crawl then decided to try out a new bar that’s recently opened. The bar happens to be very near J’s house (if you haven’t been following J is a male friend I have known for years and who keeps asking me if we can be more than friends, but I’m just not physically attracted to him) – anyway – no longer pregnant friend decided to start shouting up at his window and we went up to see him for 15 mins. For some unknown reason, as we were leaving, I leaned in to give him a little kiss on the cheek and somehow it turned into a proper kiss. I instantly regretted it and the next day when he phoned me and started talking about it I quickly said how drunk I had been and how it was just one of those ‘cheeky little snogs’ that you have when you’re drunk. So I’m hoping he doesn’t think anything is going to happen between us but I’m deliberately not going to see him for quite a few days with the hope it will make that message pretty clear to him. I know it was my own fault and I know I have led him on by doing it but … ugh … we all make drunken mistakes don’t we?

Moving on from that; we left his and went back on our pub crawl and before long I turned round to see that no longer pregnant friend had her tongue down some guy’s throat. They have swapped numbers and I think they are planning on meeting up again soon. I saw my brother and I think I embarrassed him by getting his friend’s name completely wrong then making some little comment of ‘if only I was a few years younger’ in a slightly flirtatious manner. Oops.

We then met up with another couple of friends and as we were talking away to them I spotted someone that I had been meaning to talk to for over two years. To be a bit more exact, I have been meaning to speak to him since the night in February 2009 when I caught my ex fiance in bed with a woman and punched her hard on the face. The woman was a fair bit older than him and was married to one of his work mates. After punching her so hard that she fell into his wardrobe, breaking one of the doors as she fell, my ex and her went back to her house and told her husband I had gone ‘psycho’ and got everything wrong. Of course she hadn’t cheated, of course he would never do that to his workmate. And then, a couple of months later, her husband caught them in the act as well. She threw her husband out his family home that he shared with her and their two children and moved my ex in. Six weeks before our wedding. Nice way to break both my heart and her husband’s.

So, the person I met in the pub was her husband. Or ex-husband should I say. It was interesting to speak to him and hear how bitter he still was towards his ex wife but more so towards my ex who he blames entirely for breaking up his marriage. It’s strange how my ex was in the wrong for cheating on me and yet my instant reaction was to physically hurt her – and her husbands reaction was to hurt my ex. Neither of us seemed to want to hurt our own partners, if that makes sense. Anyway, he was pretty drunk as was I, and he started telling me how he was still patiently waiting for his money so he could put a deposit down on a house for himself. As far as I know my ex sold his flat and was giving the money to him so that they could buy him out and not have to sell the family home. Is this all starting to sound a bit complicated? I think I’m starting to complicate myself…

To get back to the point, her ex husband and I had a long drunken talk and I explained why I had assaulted her that night. He told me of the moment he caught them together. He told me how much he hated my ex and how he was going to make him pay for what he had done but he had to bide his time until he got the money from them. Note that this man is in his 50′s not some young silly thing. It was weird hearing the anger and bitterness in his voice, hearing how badly he wants to punish them for the heartbreak they put him through, how lost and alone he has felt since losing not only his wife but his kids as well. Apparently my ex has taken over the fatherly role to her 10 year old son; and her 15 year old daughter is just a typical teenager who wants to hang out with her friends and isn’t interested in seeing her dad very often.

We both went through the same pain. We lost our partners to each others partners. Over two years have passed and whilst I hate my ex for the way he broke my heart, I realised that I just didn’t share her ex husband’s bitterness. I think I can honestly say that I no longer care about him in any way shape or form, and it felt quite nice to realise I don’t carry that baggage around with me any more. There was a little part of me that smiled as I listened to her ex husband and the plans he has to destroy their relationship…

By this point I was pretty wrecked and was starting to feel quite sick so we left that pub and walked to another so I could get a little fresh air (I still ended up throwing up down an alley way at closing time) but the rest of the night was really good fun up dancing and stuff. I stumbled in just after 2am and fell asleep on the sofa with all my clothes on, and somehow woke up in my bed with my pj’s on…

I have the psychiatrist tomorrow at 11.30am and don’t know what I’m going to talk to him about. I can’t tell him about my ongoing drug use and I can’t tell him how utterly suicidal I feel when I’m ‘sober’. So long as I can block out most of my day then I stay alive for another day. On the outside everything looks well and good… and that’s the way I want it to look to him so that I don’t need to see him again for a while. I have been seeing him every 4-6 weeks since I got out of hospital but my aim is to get him to put me back on appointments every 3 months. Every 6 months would be even better. I just don’t want to talk to any of them… the ‘professionals’ that is. I haven’t seen my social worker in ages (my choice not hers) because I don’t think I deserve her help. My social worker is amazing but I shouldn’t use her time when she has so many other people to see. I’m hoping that when I say this to the psychiatrist tomorrow that he will think I’m coping well and that I’m nice and stable. He doesn’t need to know the truth of what’s happening in my life right now.

On that note it’s time for me to go out for the night and see whose company I end up in. Sorry for 1500 words of rambling that probably made very little sense and was probably extremely uninteresting. I shall try and remember to write a post tomorrow after seeing the psych but then again I have been meaning to write up two sessions of the compassion focused therapy with the psychologist for weeks and weeks and that hasn’t happened so who knows when I’ll get round to actually writing anything of interest….

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