Tomorrow I have an appointment at big scary hospital to see a consultant dermatologist as my psoriasis is really bad at the moment. I have only been to big scary hospital in the back of an ambulance after I have taken an overdose or something and am sedated or completely out of it and tomorrow I am supposed to be there at 9.05am.
We have talked about this for a couple of weeks, whether or not I was going to try and go. We had come up with a plan that my social worker would drive and my Mum would come with us and sit in the back seat with me so I could cuddle into her and close my eyes. I had asked my social worker to speak to Mr Psychiatrist about a small amount of sedation like 2mg Lorazepam but he refused saying that I had to experience a panic attack without masking it with medication and realise it wasn’t going to kill me. I sort of understand where he is coming from, and because I can now get the bus back from the looney bin which is like 2 hours away he thinks my agoraphobia is pretty much gone. He doesn’t seem to get that I can only do that route now because I did it with sedation the first few times and now that it has become familiar to me it no longer scares me.
Big scary hospital on the other hand is not a route I am familiar with and so I hoped he would prescribe something for the first attempt at getting there, but he said no. I do have a little stash, as most of us mentalz do, I’ve got a couple of lorazepam from a previous hospital visit, I’ve got my prescribed diazepam and I’ve got a couple of Zopiclone that I got off a friend. I have already told my social worker that I will self medicate to try and get myself there and she basically said there was nothing she could do to stop me but the most important thing is that I get to the appointment.
My psoriasis is now covering my elbows, my thighs, my knees and lower legs and little patches are now appearing on my hands and feet. If I go to the appointment and have to show it all to the dermatologist then I will also need to expose my “worst” self harm scars. This worries me a lot as well.
This morning I woke up and tried to use mindfulness to put me in a calm and positive frame of mind but instead I ended up being sick then having a panic attack just thinking about it. So I took some diazepam but it didn’t make the panic attack go away and then I was sick again. Then I ended up in tears because I was panicking so much and nothing was helping it and I hate being sick also so I decided that I was cancelling the appointment. I phoned best friend to see what she thought and her response was “but you need to at least try and do it” – how can I even try when I’m so fucking terrified?
Mum is away to big scary city an hour away visiting my Aunt to see how she is recovering before the chemo starts so I can’t phone her until tonight. I have to let her know tonight if I’m going to try and go or not as we will need to leave here shortly after 8am tomorrow morning. I tried to contact my social worker as well but I know she will say the same, that ultimately it’s up to me but I really need my skin looked at and some proper treatment prescribed. We have tried every single steroid cream possible and the next step is UV light treatment. Which will mean regular trips to big scary hospital. But will it still be big scary hospital after I have done it once? Will I be able to do it with less/no sedation the 2nd or 3rd time once it’s familiar?
I really don’t know what to do. Every time I think about it I end up in a complete mess and I don’t want to mess anyone around in the morning. I need to decide that I am going to give it a shot or decide I am cancelling the appointment. I am scared that if I go in social worker’s car that even though I would be with two people I trust more than anything, I would be stuck in the back with no door to escape out of and once I’m in the car she could just keep driving and take me there even if I was hysterical.
I really, truly do not know what to do. I don’t think I am brave enough to try but then I look at my body and know I can’t go on like this. Why the fuck do I need to stay in such a rural area where we can’t even have a dermatologist outpatient clinic? I am so so scared and my mind is racing at 100 miles an hour back and forth, back and forth, can I do it? No I cant… Yes I can…. No I can’t. I need to make a decision and stick with it but I don’t even think I can do that. I want the easy way out – phone and cancel, but I also want my skin to heal.