So yesterday I hit the booze. It was just a couple of bottles of wine but after not drinking for a couple of weeks it hit me hard. And then, when you’re drunk, the great ideas for getting even more fucked up start. Enter the blues aka the 10mg diazepam’s. So yes I bought some of them – better than weed though right? – and got myself further intoxicated. And then everything went crazy.
Voices started a running commentary again, talking me through everything in a step by step manner, encouraging me to kill myself. At one point I was certain I could hear a child’s voice calling to me, “Mummy, mummy” and I was so convinced it was my little one so I ended up crying my eyes out. I have been very emotional lately. I want to be with him so bad.
But then the voices were laughing in my head. My baby was stillborn, he will always be a baby, he will never grow here on Earth. He can only grow in Heaven. How could he talk to me? He couldn’t. It was my crazy head playing horrible games with me. So I had to make it stop, so I took my medication and the last couple of diazepam I had. I must have taken a fair amount of them as I bought 10 x 10mg ones plus I remember taking 20mg of my prescribed ones and they are all gone now apart from my remaining prescribed ones for the week. All I wanted was for it to stop. I contemplated buying some weed but I think it would have made me paranoid. All I wanted was to sleep and usually if I mix alcohol with diazepam it knocks me out pretty quickly. But last night it didn’t. Last night the voices wanted me to suffer.
I was pacing back and forth in my living room and I saw someone who always helps to calm me down. I text them. At the time I thought I was texting quite coherently and thought I was asking for some sort of help. When I read them back this morning they weren’t asking for any kind of help, they were just drunken ramblings about a lot of nonsense. Then I saw the couple of posts I had drunkenly posted on here and thought I better delete them. Blah, I feel pretty stupid.
And so, when I did wake up this morning I remembered I had left my car outside, because obviously I was drunk last night and couldn’t move it. So I woke up to a parking ticket for £30. Thanks traffic warden guy, just what I needed. The fucking car can stay outside all day now.
Anyways…needless to say I am embarrassed and regret my actions of last night, but you know how it is, sometimes you believe that your own self medicating is the right way to deal with things. The voices did shut up in the end (due to me passing out) and so far all is quiet today. Let’s hope it continues.
So yesterday I hit the booze. It was just a couple of bottles of wine but after not drinking for a couple of weeks it hit me hard. And then, when you’re drunk, the great ideas for getting even more fucked up start. Enter the blues aka the 10mg diazepam’s. So yes I bought some of them – better than weed though right? – and got myself further intoxicated. And then everything went crazy.
Voices started a running commentary again, talking me through everything in a step by step manner, encouraging me to kill myself. At one point I was certain I could hear a child’s voice calling to me, “Mummy, mummy” and I was so convinced it was my little one so I ended up crying my eyes out. I have been very emotional lately. I want to be with him so bad.
But then the voices were laughing in my head. My baby was stillborn, he will always be a baby, he will never grow here on Earth. He can only grow in Heaven. How could he talk to me? He couldn’t. It was my crazy head playing horrible games with me. So I had to make it stop, so I took my medication and the last couple of diazepam I had. I must have taken a fair amount of them as I bought 10 x 10mg ones plus I remember taking 20mg of my prescribed ones and they are all gone now apart from my remaining prescribed ones for the week. All I wanted was for it to stop. I contemplated buying some weed but I think it would have made me paranoid. All I wanted was to sleep and usually if I mix alcohol with diazepam it knocks me out pretty quickly. But last night it didn’t. Last night the voices wanted me to suffer.
I was pacing back and forth in my living room and I saw someone who always helps to calm me down. I text them. At the time I thought I was texting quite coherently and thought I was asking for some sort of help. When I read them back this morning they weren’t asking for any kind of help, they were just drunken ramblings about a lot of nonsense. Then I saw the couple of posts I had drunkenly posted on here and thought I better delete them. Blah, I feel pretty stupid.
And so, when I did wake up this morning I remembered I had left my car outside, because obviously I was drunk last night and couldn’t move it. So I woke up to a parking ticket for £30. Thanks traffic warden guy, just what I needed. The fucking car can stay outside all day now.
Anyways…needless to say I am embarrassed and regret my actions of last night, but you know how it is, sometimes you believe that your own self medicating is the right way to deal with things. The voices did shut up in the end (due to me passing out) and so far all is quiet today. Let’s hope it continues.