Again I find myself wanting to write but with very little to say. I’m finding myself sliding down the slippery slope again into another depression where all I can think about is things to do with suicide. I’m back to spending hours looking at images which most people would probably find disturbing (those of dead bodies, severe self harm wounds, etc) and finding myself just drifting back into that world. Knowing I have no blades in my house to cause any significant damage is making me anxious and I think there is a very likely chance I will go and buy some more today as the need to (intentionally) self harm is growing and growing.
That picture pretty much sums up how I’m feeling right now, like I’m being pulled into the black hole of depression. I continue to isolate myself today no matter how nice and sunny it is outside. I look out the window and see people looking happy as jackets and jumpers are thrown aside and light pretty short sleeved tops and floaty skirts are being enjoyed. There is absolutely nothing that makes me want to go out and join them, I don’t care how warm it is or going for barbeque’s or anything else.
Yesterday (via MSN) I was talking to my best friend – it went like this:
18/04/2011 14:56:32 She says: Thought you were texting when you got up x
18/04/2011 14:58:13 I say: im not up im still in my jammies
18/04/2011 14:58:46 She says: Its 3 in the afternoon MCBL that’s shocking x
18/04/2011 14:59:22 I say: i know but i dont really care today
18/04/2011 14:59:46 She says: Why? its a gorgeous day
18/04/2011 14:59:57 I say: i know it is
18/04/2011 15:01:04 She says: i give up now x
18/04/2011 15:01:42 I say: i dont blame u
Then I went offline.
She gives up and I truly don’t blame her. I give up on me as well, nothing ever stays good for long, I always end up fucking up friendships and relationships. I’m a burden on people and after a while the reality kicks in for them, usually around the same time that I’m ready to off myself which is pretty much where I’m heading at the moment.