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11:23 – What the fuck is happening to me?

Posted Feb 26 2011 6:24am

I don’t know what my problem is. I can’t seem to go out or be content being indoors. I wanted out of hospital and off my detention so badly that I took it to tribunal stage and then it was revoked anyway. I told them on Monday that I wanted a discharge from hospital and it was “time to move on with my life”. So can anyone explain to me why:

  • Monday: Got home stayed in all day and night other than a few very short dog walks.
  • Tuesday: Stayed in all day and night other than a few very short dog walks. Ignored all calls/texts/etc. Missed appt with psychologist.
  • Wednesday: Stayed in all day and night other than a few very short dog walks. Ignored all calls/texts/etc.
  • Thursday: Stayed in all day and night other than a few very short dog walks. Ignored all calls/texts/etc.
  • Friday: Stayed in all day and night other than a few very short dog walks. Ignored all calls/texts/etc.
  • Saturday: (So far…) Staying in all day and night other than a few very short dog walks. Ignoring all calls/texts/etc.

I wanted out so badly and I got out and that is what I have done in a week. I missed my psychology appointment and then missed my support worker, haven’t answered my social worker’s calls, haven’t replied to texts from mum and friends. I feel panic rising when I step out the door so I have to do it while it’s dark and quiet, which doesn’t work with my sleep at night be awake during the day thing. i feel sick when my phone starts to ring or a text comes through until I find the strength to look and see who it’s from. I’m beginning to feel extremely paranoid about all sorts of things around me and all I can hear in a slight Patty sounding voice is ‘stay away from everyone’. In fact I woke up hearing Patty voice everywhere in the early hours of Wednesday morning. It was about 3am and I’m supposed to take my pills at 10pm so they were five hours late and she comes back just like that?

So maybe I wasn’t ready to leave hospital and maybe the fact I’m on a week’s pass is a good thing, maybe I do need to stay there a little longer, but at the same time when I’m in there I do such a good job of convincing myself that I don’t need to be there that all my thinking focuses on getting back out of there. And what if I stay for another couple of weeks and still come home feeling fine at the time but then start hiding like a recluse when I do come home?

What the fuck is happening to me? Seven years since I was last admitted into a psychiatric hospital and now being in one has made me question everything about my life… only I’m on such a slow mode that I can’t seem to come up with the answers this time. I used to say over and over again that I’d be dead before I ever went into hospital again…

Sorry I know I’m rambling all over the place here, I’m trying to write something which makes sense but right now nothing does.


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