I decided to go to my appointment with my CPN today. I got there at 1pm and literally opened the door and she was standing right there about to walk out. She just looked at me and said “I’m really sorry but as I told you on the phone there is something I need to go to and unfortunately I need to prioritise it over our appointment”. I just looked at her with an extremely pissed off face and snapped at her “fine”. I turned to walk out and she put a hand on my shoulder and said she would give me a lift back home, I pushed her hand away and snapped “do you know what, just don’t bother OK” and I stormed off home in a very bad mood. I felt so let down, right now I obviously can’t talk to my Mum about how low I’ve been feeling as due to all the stuff happening with my Aunt my Mum is going through a ‘life is so precious’ type of attitude (rightly so in the circumstances) – but – MY life doesn’t feel precious, it feels like a total waste of time right now to be honest.
I got back home and burst into tears. I felt like I needed to talk/vent so badly and there was no-one there to listen. My CPN only works part time, two days a week and wouldn’t be back until next week, so I was left feeling like she didn’t really give a damn and I felt like I was going to explode with all these mixed up crazy feelings going on inside me. It felt like she didn’t care, I understood that sometimes she has to prioritise but it was only 1pm and I couldn’t see why she couldn’t see me at all before going home today. So needless to say I sat in a proper shitty mood for the next hour or so and then my mobile starting ringing – it was her. She said the situation she’d had to attend wasn’t going to take all afternoon like she had thought and asked me if I’d like to meet her after another hour. I still felt angry with her but knew I needed the appointment so I said yes I’d like to see her. So two and a half hours after we were supposed to meet I got my appointment.
She picked me up in the car and we went to the marina and got a drink and sat by the sea. I told her how crap I was feeling and how close I’d been to overdosing last night. I was honest with her and told her that whilst I had no more blades in the house I did have a lot of medication in my cupboard. She said that there was no point in her asking me to get rid of them or give them to her because she knew I could just go to the shops and stock up on more. But she did ask me to think about getting rid of some of them (which I won’t, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to take them).
She asked me what I thought had changed from last week when I seemed so much more positive and I told her I really didn’t know. The only reason I could think of is that I felt incredibly alone at the moment with these really depressing thoughts and didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone because I don’t want to cause my family any more stress. We were sitting in the little harbour area and there were a few small boats tied up. She said to me that when the weather was nice people untied their little boats and went out on them, enjoying them, spending time on them. But when it gets a bit stormy the little boats get tied up in the harbour to protect them from the storm and keep them safe. I knew what she was getting at, and she carried on to say that I’ve been doing well lately just like when the water is gentle and the boats are out being enjoyed, but to think of my mood at the moment as a storm where I need to do what I can to keep myself safe. She asked me if I’d like to go back into hospital until the storm passed and I said most definitely not. I never want to go back to that place. Never.
I just don’t get how my mood has changed so drastically and so quickly. It makes me wonder if my mood really did get better at all or if I just kept smiling because I knew that’s what people wanted/needed to see. I find myself wondering all the time what my purpose in life is – back before I lost my son I thought my future had been decided – my role was going to be a Mummy. Now I have this empty void inside me that nothing can fill. Sometimes I wish I had a career that I loved and could throw myself into and be good at. Sometimes I think maybe my destiny was just to have 30 years in this world and then slip away quietly.
So CPN is forgiven and I see her again next Thursday. I hope from now until then my mood will lift but right now it doesn’t feel that likely. I just keep trying to hang onto that thought of how it would affect my parents right now if I tried to end my life. I don’t think they could cope with that whilst also coping with my Aunt’s cancer. It’s strange, when something happens like a family member being diagnosed with the big C, you automatically think ‘are they going to survive this?’ and suddenly life becomes so very important. I too panicked when I heard my Aunt’s news and the same thoughts went through my head (and still are going through my head) – is she going to survive this? Her life seems important, she is a mother, she has recently become a grandmother, she is a wife, she has so many roles and is loved by so many people.
But what is the purpose of my life? What is my role? What will fill the emptiness, the loneliness, the huge hole inside me? Will applying to college or doing some voluntary work give me a sense of purpose again? I know the only way I will know is to try but today I just don’t have the motivation at all. I know what I would like to have a career in, I just don’t know if I can stay stable and strong enough to gain the qualifications needed.
Sometimes it all just feels like it will always come back to this. Not quite square one, but it certainly feels like one step forward and two steps back. I did feel a bit better in the end for seeing my CPN but I have 8 days now until any other appointments and I’ve no idea if they are going to run smoothly or be one big struggle.