I am pleased to announce that The Enquirer has gone way above and beyond just doing an article, and are talking about full-blown sponsorship of a professional team to be entered in the 2008 Tour de France.
The exiting news is that the team will be riding my bikes. As I write this, people at the Enquirer are scouring EBay and Craigslist looking for suitable bikes and equipment.
The executive I spoke with, whose name I am not at liberty to divulge just happens to be a huge fan of 1980s lugged steel. I questioned how he expected the team to compete on “old tech” equipment. His answer was simple. Steroids.
This just goes to show the forward-thinking-ness of the Enquirer. At a time when everyone else is trying to rid sport of drugs, here is an outfit with the balls to come out and say that modern professional sport demands stimulants.
As he pointed out to me, people these days go to a ballpark and want to see some freak with a large head, knock one over the stands. So, what greater spectacle than a guy built like a semi-truck, winning stage after stage, charging through the pack like a 280 lb. ball through a set of bowling pins.
While on the subject of large heads he doubted anyone on the team would fit into a modern Styrofoam helmet. With this in mind, his plans are to go full retro with wool jerseys and leather hairnet style helmets that would be easier to custom fit.
The intention is to hand select team members as soon as possible so they can start ’roiding up for the rest of this year in preparation for the 2008 season. It was mentioned that it is essential for the team to be on lugged steel. “These guys will tear a carbon fiber frame apart like a baby with a balsa wood airplane.” Was one quote.
No one at the Enquirer seemed too perturbed when I pointed out the Tour has stringent rules and drug tests in place. Again, I quote, “We’ll deal with that issue when the time comes with good old American ingenuity, good attorneys, and a few well placed bribes.”
I have to admit when it comes to bullshit, no one is better equipped to deal with it than the Enquirer; they have been specializing in it for years. It should be interesting.