Spring is typically a time for renewal and rebirth. The promise of lovely things after a long winter of dreary...both weather and soul. As usual, our family didn't ever get on board with this. Spring for us is when we learned beloved family members would receive a death sentence, losing them when the heat of summer had hardly begun. Spring is when we lost Minnehaha, and now Lucy...
Spring is when I entered into a marriage that would end five years later. One that I hoped would be my only one, but one that I could never see myself growing old with my husband. One in which I let my own soul wither, like the flowers I would plant along the front door. I had given up on all things lovely. I had given up on myself.
Leaving took courage. Living takes even more. Trying to understand the whys and the whats of the choices I made, the emotional investments, just wanting a family of my own was not a good enough reason to continue. There would never be any more children. Something I so desperately wanted and prayed for...but God answered in His own way.
I came to my mother's house extremely fragile and wounded. Scared, yet alive. The first months were hard, like any change. I cried all the time. It was winter and spring was coming. The time for renewal and all things lovely.
Two important things have happened in my life since the snow has melted and the tulips have bloomed. First, I received a proper diagnosis of my autoimmune disorder and was placed on the right medication and torturous therapies and treatments have been stopped. I haven't taken a pain pill since early March. Because I am getting the proper treatment now, I am able to do so much more...
Second, I made a friend. A man. Strictly platonic, but a lovely friendship that has found me feeling centered, happy, and safe. And most importantly is bringing me closer to God...yes, I go to church now...and after church we go for walks at the nature preserve. I finally have somebody to walk with me, and it is lovely.
Spring is always going to have difficult memories and hard days to get through, but now I can face it easier...because I have been renewed in a way...and enjoying life again is a very lovely thing.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8