My first hospital visit, I so waited for this day to arrive, they done my scan earlier than normal as I had threatened to miscarry. In we went, mum said Ky, why are we here, why are we in this hospital. Why are you and daddy so excited?????
I lay on the bed, I was so anxious and nervous, sick with worry that something would be wrong, especially as Ky was there too, but no i was sure, everything was ok. The nurse showed Ky her baby brother / sister, she froze, WHAT, but my mum is not pregnant, yes she is said the nurse, oh my god, Ky’s face was just priceless; she was the proudest big sister alive. Baby was doing really well, everything "normal" and healthy. Relief, excitement, nerves, joy, all different emotions rushing through me and DH. Straight on the phone to everyone to spread the good news, oh this was the most perfect day.
The check in nurse made a note that I had an underactive thyroid, we need to do your bloods and get you to visit the endocrine clinic next week, Ok great, off home we went, we celebrated in Pizza hut in Omni shopping centre, we ventured into pennies and headed for the baby section, we each picked out a cream outfit for the baby. This was the greatest day ever.
The next day I got a phone call from the hospital; can you come in tomorrow and see the endocrine team? Yes why, your thyroid level is extremely low, this is very dangerous for you and the baby, oh god, yes I’ll be there first thing in the morning. I asked my sister to come in with me, she did. I sat down with the doctor and she said to me, what amount of eltroxin are you taking, well none at the moment WHAT? I died a little, why i asked, who told you to stop taking your eltroxin, nobody but I was threatening a miscarriage so i stopped all my medications, isn’t that what your supposed to do (i knew noting of my condition just that i had to take these tablets for life) You stupid stupid girl she said to me, without eltroxin your babies brain will not develop properly, how stupid are you, i was numb, oh my god, I did not know, no one had ever told me or explained my condition to me, the consultant immediately threw her arms around me and apologised. She said that she would up my dosage to 250 mg and that maybe we can catch it just in time.
My sister was like a demon, how dare she speak to you like that and frighten you like that, but something inside me clicked, this is why i had the threatened miss, i think something is wrong with my baby, she said no it will be fine, no Sandra, something is wrong, I know it is. What had I done, i tried to save my baby but all along i was actually killing my baby, how could I have been so stupid, why didn’t I look up my condition properly years ago, why when your told you have an underactive thyroid aren’t you given a leaflet, information and told of the dangers of your condition especially as a woman of child bearing age. This was not my fault completely; this was also societies fault, the hse's fault as well as mine. I decided there and then, no I will not take sole responsibility for this; I will educate my self further on my condition and see just what my babies chances are.
When researching on the internet i could only find links to adhd, that wasn’t so bad, I explained everything to my husband, we said what ever will be will be and we’l deal with it when it happens. Fine I can handle that. 2 days later and I was with the endocrinologist again, but it was her understudy, ah I’ll corner him, I asked him to explain the effects it could have on my baby, he was vague and looked anxious, I explained that I could handle it, what is the most that could happen, he explained congenital problems, intellectual problems etc, he tried to paint it prettier that it was, I appreciated it as I knew he was sugar coating and I was preparing myself mentally for the worst.
There and then I told my self, right Maddie, this is destiny. I finally found my happiest place, working with children with special needs (Autism and ADHD) it was faith I took that job, faith that I taught Ky’s behaviours where extreme for her age, and that she was very odd for her age, she drove me to special needs education, she put me there, my daughter was preparing me for a big hit. My daughter, my precious daughter drove me insane for years, I was so confused by her, she’ll grow out of it, its the terrible 2's, the fucking 4's, no it isn’t, something is not right with this child, its not very wrong but not very right either, I thank the lord that Ky was who she was, that I was pushed in the direction of special needs education, that I had the opportunity to work in this area and grow to love and cherish it, as deep down I knew in my heart of hearts I was going to give birth to my very own special needs child.